The Queen's Diary

2007-11-30T23:45:00.002+08:00

Tribute to a Mum who devoted her entire life to looking after her family and taking care of each of their needs till the last breath she had in this world.

23th November 2007

To my beloved late mother:

You will always be in my heart, wherever you are, wherever I will be. I used to not believe in afterlife, now I want to. Because I want to know that you're happy there. Promise me, Mum, that you will not forget me. For I want to be your daughter again in my next few lives. As much as it is really painful to see you leave, I will live my life to its fullest. And there will be a day where I can relay my life stories to you, somewhere. Wait for me mum, wait patiently for that day to come. It will not be as soon as you hope, but I really want you to wait for me. I never want you to be alone, neither do I want now. When the time comes, I will have many things to tell you. I'll lie on the bed beside you and tell you my life encounters like how I used to everyday after a day of hard work in school. Where you would always listen, giving me opinions time after time.

I know I haven't been a good daughter, I know half your life was spent looking after me, getting me back on to the right track. You never had enjoyed life since you were 19. Maybe you did, cos you once said we're your pride and you find happiness watching us grow up to who we are now. There are many things I have not done and said for/to you. I do have regrets now. But I will not reprimand myself for them. I will live my life meaningfully for you.

I want to tell the world that I have not lost you. For you're not only in my heart but around me as well. I feel your presence, I feel you looking at me.

Forgive me for those tears I shed despite knowing you will not be happy when you see me in that state.
Forgive me for not being a good daughter as one should be.
Forgive me for crying my heart out at the thought of you leaving me forever.
Forgive me for missing you so much.
Forgive me for trying hard to laugh to make myself happier.
Forgive me for isolating myself from others to be with you.
Forgive me for turning down all my friends to feel that I have a company.
Forgive me for attempting to be with you, to be your companion.
Forgive me for wanting to see you everytime when I'm alone.
Forgive me for hoping to see you in my dreams every night I sleep.
Forgive me for feeling dejected now as I type all these.
Forgive me for feeling my heart ache at this moment,
because I still choose to believe that you haven't left me at all.

I cry and cry,
I cry myself to sleep every night,
I cry all the time when everything I see, hear, smell or feel reminds me of you.
I cried my heart out,
hoping that those tears will bring you back to my side.

I can't join you now, Mum. I still have Dad to take care of. I still have many things undone. I still have my dreams to live. Until the day I know that Dad will be taken care of, until the day I accomplished every I had task in my life, until the day I have had my dreams achieved, I will find my way to the realm of yours. Then, I will be able to do those things I didnt have the chance to. Then, I can see you again. And by then, you will never be alone anymore.

I have many things to say, but I will leave it till that day to tell you personally.

As the last chapter of your life ends with tears from your loved ones, our lives from then on begins with a smile in loving memory of you.

I Love You, Mum, from the bottom of my heart.

With undying love,
From your youngest daughter.

2007-11-12T01:06:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY VAL!

Its supposed to be on the 9th Nov. But I couldnt post and entry on that day. The girl's finally 17 yo. ((: Sorry for being late man. Only manage to come online like, now. SO SORRY VAL.

HAPPY 17th!

lovelove!
---

2007-11-01T20:51:00.000+08:00

Enjoying every single day; without you in my heart.

Give me some more time, I will be able to look into your eyes. And those eyes will tell you that I've stop holding on to that nothing. I will stand tall and be proud that I've let you go. Its been 5 months. I know its not long but somehow it feels like I've been thru a century of mental torture. And I am glad that all will be over and I can be happy again. Perhaps being single can be a blessing, I am enjoying every minute of waiting for the right one to appear. (:

Shocking news that I heard today and the dream I had last night made me feel like blogging. As for what news I heard today I shall keep it P&C. Nothing good or bad. It just decides whether a person can be happier or stay the same. My dream? Haha, sweet dream I'd say. Really sweet. It is possible, but its not the right time. (:

Thursdays are tutorial days. And a very long exhausting day. But I'd pulled thru yet another Thursday! =D While everyone in my class ends the week of school on Thurs, mine will be as usual, FRIDAY. Its okay! I love school. ((:

Alright, I guess thats all I have to say. I need my beauty sleep!

I love the way my heart feels so light and free.

2007-10-28T05:27:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SEP!

I'll always remember the advices you gave last sem. You directed me back on track and I appreciate it alot. Thanks. (: Happy 19th to you.

Love,
adel.

2007-10-28T04:52:00.000+08:00

Your voice is heaven,but it hurts.
Your words are memories,but they burn.

Amei is my new-found love. Haha. (: Actually like her songs without realising they're all sung by her. How ironic. Alright. Met Mins at 11+pm yesterday night for study session over at SKCC. Practically laughed thruout the whole session and I was suppose to study my OB. End up looking at her and battled with some irritatin mozzie. Psssssst. Walked to and fro from SKCC and Compass. Bought chips and all from 7-11 as if we're going for a war. LOL. Had lotsa fun with her. Love, Sis!

By the way, my "today" refers to 27th Oct alright. And "yesterday's" for 26th Oct.

Granny's 49th Day death anni today. Slept at 7am yesterday and gotta get up by 10 today. Its okay. Lotsa food over at Gramp's place. Prayed and all. Came home, knocked out immediately and was left on my own while bro went over to TaiKeng to look for mum. Oh, she's coming back, FINALLY.

Gonna perm my hair next saturday and I AM looking forward to it. (: Finally amde up my mind after, say, 3 mths? HAHA. Yes, I'm gonna do it.

Received email from Tatyi-means good news. Will be participating in the upcoming event, TPRawks on 14-16 Nov, as Pack Leader. Yay, means LOA. (: And fun plus more fun. Went down to the lounge on Fri to meet Evonne for lunch and found out that there's actually 1000 over applicants for OTC. -_- Almost half of them are from HTM. Esp, year ones. Whoohooo. Interesting.

Sis will be back in 2 week's time. HAHA. She's having a fever and flu over there. Rashes came out the day before and she was complaining to me over MSN luh. I cant do anything! LOL.

Its freaking 5am now and I'm still here. Just finish watching Harry Potter. Never seems to grow tired of it. Haha. Cy's dressing up as Harry Potter on Halloween luh. TSK. He bought those robes and wands online months ago and just got them this week. And trying to act mysterious, refuse to let me see. NEVER MIND. I'll see how silly he looks on Halloween. ZOUKKKKKK, I miss.

Time to go! Cuzzie's birthday BBQ over at TaiKeng tmr. FOODD =D By right Ronjo's birthday's on 29th. But he insist that we celebrate for him on 28th -_- Spoilt brat.

Heart no longer pound fast in your presence.
Face no longer blush whenever you look my way.
Anxiety no longer exist like before.
Eyes no longer see you as my favourite.
Love no longer find its way to your name.
I have thus, forgotten how much you use to mean to me.
And will be spending no effort reminiscing it.

You'll be just a passer-by from now.
Just a friend I'll greet with a smile. (:

2007-10-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY PRIS! (:

Haha, I'm not late to blog this before 12am. (: Just came back from val's. Everyone's really tired. But I'm sure we enjoyed ourselves. haha.

Got the bouquet from kovan in the morning and met Val on the train. Down to Somerset to meet Alvin, supposedly, and the birthday girl.

Surprise #1 : Pk was told that Alvin couldnt make it. But he's actually already at Cine. (X

Surprise #2 : Pk was again told that celebration this year would be a simple one and it'll be done over at Kbox. (: quite surprising cos its unlikely we'll make it so simple.

Surprise #3 : Dinny, Sep, BJ, Nibbs and all were already at Val's preparing everything while we stall time. LOL. Pk got conned to Val's place and was told that Val's mummy has something to pass to her. -_- Then suggested to settle their dinner on prawn mee. HAHA. Pk was tricked to Val's place and all jumped out of nowhere.

EH EH, I really understand how detectives do their job when tailing the suspects la. In this case Pk was the suspect I had to follow. LOL. Literally hide after every lamp post, wadever you call them la. Pk almost caught me. Miscommunication between Val and I. LOL.

Alright, I will continue some other day. I'm tired already and it doesnt make things better when we'll be having 3 hours of commskills tmr MORNING. ):

So, this is all for today.

AGAIN, HAPPY B'DAY PK! =D

2007-10-22T19:43:00.000+08:00

First day of a new semester.

It was alright I guess. Will just have to get used to the screwed up timetable of mine. I can be independent I realised. (: Anyway, HTMarketing was kinda nice. Lecturer was literally cracking up lame jokes which none of us laughed. -_- But he's trying, hard. HAHA.

Micro lec was next. Joined the other HTM Year 1 group for micro. I almost fell alseep. Chiwen went in with me cos she will only have commskills at 12. haha. Really nice of her. (: I couldnt take it halfway thru the lecture and decided to zao with Chiwen during the break. LOL.

Woke up at 4am yesterday and couldnt get into sleep again. Thus, my tiredness today. I'm gonna sleep now. Goodnight all! (:

You will be just a passer-by.

2007-10-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

Independence.

Ah well, practically slacked at home for the whole of today. Didnt know I was so tired. Gotta get bro's pants changed soon but I'm dreading it. But leaving it there on my table doesnt make it shrink to a size smaller. ):

One more week before school starts. No feelings. Haha. It'll be just school. Anyway, just hope that time table wont be so screwed up that I cannot take my driving practicals. Wanna get it by the start of next year. Should be achievable. hur.

Chomps with peeps tmr. But I dont wanna eat! ): I cannot put on any more weight man. I'm starting to have the urge to do nothing and just nua already. haha.

Goodnight!

You can't stay anymore.
You have to go.

2007-10-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

The reason I smile.

Haven't been updating I know. Been feeling tired and been home late recently. Went down to Zouk yesterday with Jer and Co. Enjoyed poking fun at people at Zouk itself. LOL. Phuture was nicer. Though the crowd but the music's of course better. Mambo this wednesday. Anyone wanna come along? Will be going with Weiming and friends. (:

Met Mins, Kwai, Cher and all at Plaza Sing. for movies. Watched 881 and it upsets me alot. Even till now. Reminded me of my Granny and Mum. Held back my tears cos there were people laughing non-stop beside me and I really dont know how I should react. Nvm.

A game of Pool next and headed down to Marina Square. Had our dinner at Billy Bombers and I almost fell asleep. Got home at ard 4am and had to wake up at 10am. Yawns. As usual Esplanade after dinner. Went up to the rooftop and I was so reluctant. But didnt tell anyone accept Kwai. But we both could do nothing. Unhappy memories there and I dont wanna be reminded of.

Guess overall was okay. But i'm tired. LOL.

The picture of you in my mind slowly fade away.
I could no longer feel the love.
But I am not sure. Who are you now.
I needa get my thoughts sorted out.
I am sure, you'll be gone.

You do have a place in my heart

2007-10-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

What's there to not love about you?

Adel is so tired today. Its been going on for days. How. ): Got bro his Samsung U700 today. Of course he paid for it. I dont understand guys man. What's so nice about THAT kinda phone that they're SO attracted to it. ha. Maybe its just me.

Another new phone for me. I cant say its old when my bro only used it for 2 months? or 3. And half the time he didnt bother bout his phone. Its kinda new. And I have endless phone lines and phones. I can set up a stall.

I feel like a fool. And I'm the one to blame.
I feel like a clown. I know things will not stay the same.
I find myself doing everything I can get my hands on to.
And when all I do, I do for you.

I lost, yet again.

2007-10-08T20:58:00.000+08:00

The drop from cloud nine, sucks.

Went ICA with mum to renew her passport. Bugis-ed after that. I am so tired today. Extremely listless. I seriously need to sleep at the hour where everyone's suppose to be sleeping. My complextion's getting bad cos of it. ):

I just cant get to sleep ystd night I dont know why. With so many things running thru my head, I thought it was gonna explode. So many explanations I owe myself, so many questions I have to give answers to. But no, I dont have them all.

After reading Pris' blog, it struck me back to reality. And that is, 2 more weeks to the beginning of a new semester. I don't know how I should feel. It just feels so, numb? A part of me look forward to a new start but another just refuse to accept the fact. Its as good as I am happy but I am unhappy. haha.

Wed's for sentosa with Von and Carmen. If weather permits, that is. Or else I wont mind staying at home and rot. I need to enjoy the priviledge to relax and rot my ass off at home.. God knows what kinda life I will be facing when school starts. -_-" Probably another round of tests, projects and exams.

Sometimes I wish I'm a psychic. Then I can read your mind and know your needs and you can have a happy, near-perfect life. Aint it good? I know you will not want that though. Sometimes simplicity can be a blessing. I have to learn to agree.

If that's not love, then what is it?

2007-10-06T17:13:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CELLY!! ((:

It's Bro's birthday today. Going TaiKeng Villa for BBQ later on. Wanna stay there for good? I'm still used to Hougang though. Aiyah, I dont know luh. Slept at 10am in the morning and I just woke up. LOL. Addicted to Dave Pelzer man.

Did I mentioned that I almost died yesterday? Haha. Thanks huh Pris. FAINTSSS.

Will update again ltr.

2007-10-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

Fairytales don't come true.

Oh my, been feeling lethargic for the whole of today. ): Went all the way to AMK to see my family doctor. No idea what the doctor blabbered. Just wanna get my medicine and go home. Didnt wanna flare at anyone or spoil anybody's mood, stayed in the room. Thank god I have Dave Pelzer for company. He made things a little better.

57 more minutes to my bro, Celly's birthday. Alright, he's Cedric, not Celly. He'll kill me if he sees this. Hmmm, can't celebrate his birthday this year. Grandma's 100th day not over. Will be missing 3 years' CNY too but its perfectly fine.

I'm tired already. Goodnight all!

I should be going.

2007-10-04T22:49:00.000+08:00

If only time would stop.

Got my bro's birthday gift already. =D Let me recall how much time I took to choose. Oh, someone went in and out of the changing room just to help me decide which is nice. haha. THANK YOU ah. But I did you a favor back right. You cant say I've got bad taste, you know you know. (: and I dont think I took a longer time than you normally do. ha.

Spent half the day at Paragon. Jer met me there. Went to look for her bf at Fish&Co. Suppose to go shopping with us but he chose to work overtime. And of course, Jer was fuming mad. Bf didnt work overtime in the end but spent the day "talking" to Jer. Of course I made myself scarce. Hmmm, I've got better things to do. But I guess staff from Adidas and Nike should be wondering how come this girl cannot decide what she want. LOL. I dont know what went into me today. I cannot decide on anything, everything. Took my own sweet time to choose. GIRLS ARE NOT FICKLE-MINDED okay. At least I'm not. (:

Fashion Show at Paragon by Bvlgari. Rather boring. Met Jer back at the basement after getting my stuff. It was my first time helping someone shop man. It doesnt help if that person's fussy yet claim he's sui bian you know. haha. Jer was wondering what took me so long. Met mum and aunt then they continue walking. Legs were aching like hell so kept complaining and insist that we go home. Didnt get to see Jan today. Fareast very far. Haha. Will make it up to her. (:

Guess what I'm dong now. -_-" Helping mum pluck her white hair. In return she'll split bro's birthday gift with me. Heh. I thought I'll go blind eh. Okay. I'm tired now. Think I'll be able to adjust back my normal sleeping timing. HAHA.

Ooooh, I'm so proud of myself today.

When those tears and pain were made worthwhile.
You gave a meaning to love (:

2007-10-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

我终于还是说了一句我爱你
还记得那个微凉夜里天空正飘着小雨
心跳的声音像舞动奇迹

你看着我说千万不要爱上你
因为你只会让我伤心别傻了快点喊停
你那么冷静忽远又忽近

我知道我对你来说也许太年轻
我想我猜我问我终于了解
原来为爱流的眼泪也是种甜蜜滋味

只想爱你
当我和你走在一起就已经决定
不看不听不问也不会放弃
是你让我了解自己可以为爱那么坚定

只想爱你
好想每天睁开眼睛就能看到你
我知道我偶尔有一点任性
不管你做任何决定究竟爱我还是逃避

sorry我还是不会放弃爱你
sorry我还是不会放弃
我还是不会放弃爱你

---

Nice song right?
Happened to play in my lappy. (:

2007-10-03T22:08:00.000+08:00

If all that was just a dream, I wish to be asleep forever.

Me and my nonsensical stuff in the morning of the day before made me feel so embarrassed. LOL. Long and complicating sentence there. Anyway, back from Tai Keng Villa to pack my stuff and I realised that I have lotsa rubbish. Dont know why I keep them. Maybe I was a garang-guni man in my previous life. LOL. Throw throw throw. Everything. Clothes that I didnt wear for weeks chances are, I wont touch them anymore. Ohhh, I found out many secrets I kept to myself of which I forgot all about. HAHA. Interesting. And yes, I'm one who selectively keep memories. I have a filter machine in my brain which filters out unhappy memories and keep those I consider "good" haha. Anyway, not important.

For my entire 18 yrs living in this world, I've never learnt to treasure those around me. I took everything for granted. In my mind I'd always tell myself things are suppose to be there and people are obliged to help me, do this and that for me. I may seem to be a sensible child who doesnt throw tantrums or whine for weeks till she get what she wants but I did not understand the true meaning of "cherish". For all of my past 17 years I thought I had my future shaped nicely and a path set up perfectly for me. All I have to do is to follow what everybody else are doing and you know, I didnt think I have to be different to get what i want. I knew what i want, I've had my goals and dreams written nicely. But little did I know that goals are not goals if you dont do smth to it. Writing them down on a piece of paper or putting them at the back of your head waiting for fairy godmother to fulfil them for you will not work out. Things dont work this way.

I seem to have not learnt from many mistakes I commit in the past. After I stand up on my feet from a fall I will forget what made me fell so hard. This is why I say i dont treasure. Advising people is one thing, applying them into my own real life situation is another. hoho. See, for the whole of my 17 years of living this is what has been going on. And no, I'm not gonna let it continue.

Alright, thoughts aside. Might be going out in the noon then Penny Black at night. Go there and get paid. Why not. LOL. Free flow of drinks as well. People come visit me yeah? Penny Black @ Boat Quay. hoho.

When is my sis coming back? BOO. She called at noon but I was sleeping. Talking bout that I think I seriously need to adjust my sleeping habit. Following American timing- awake when others in deep sleep and sleep when others are active's not gonna do me any good. Hmmm, I'm tired now. Nothing much to blog also. Yupp!

After so long, I no longer know what I want.

2007-10-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

There'll never be another you.

So many things went thru my mind today. Everything under the sun. Perhaps what my friends told me was right. But it has never occured to me that by not acknowledging those comments would bring about dire consequences. I know who to listen to and really meant well. (: I don't wanna judge anyone, cos I'm really happy with the friends I have in my life.

Never once regretted choosing polytechnic. Not at all. You people can live your live the way you guys want and leave mine alone yeah? The used-to-bes can only be kept in memory. My apologies for avoiding you girls from the start of this year. But you have to understand what was going on and how exactly I was feeling. No, not only did I not get understood, false accusations started to form. And I was kept in the dark. All I can do now is to admit that its my fault for not making things clear from the start and went on with the new phase of my life. I failed to look back and see what I've left behind. Again, my apologies. But I'm really tired of all these. I knew what's best for myself. Since you claim that I no longer understand the life of you people, I reckon I will not either in future. If noone's willing to compromise, then I guess we'll just leave things as it is. Let time prove everything.

Enough of that. Someone save me from online shopping and spend and spend like I have endless flow of cash in my bank account. My intentions of getting my brother a birthday gift resulted in getting so many things for myself and none for bro. You cant blame me for that man. Those I saw in town and Bugis were not of my likings. Err, I dont know how much i spent to date. Heh. Will get a top for bro this fri. Finally I can find a place that sells red striped formal top. Is it at Paragon? haha.

Was planning to get it myself, den drop by Fareast to visit Jan at her shop. But she wont be working on on Friday. ): BUT, she can join me for shopping. Haha. Just nice as I was talking to her online. We'll confirm on Thurs then. Cos I have to see doc at I dont know what time and her boss might change his mind bout Jan's work schedule. lalala.

A little wish of mine, is to feel your presence when I wake up in the day and go to bed at night.

LABELS: My everything, may be little, but it was my all.

2007-10-02T13:45:00.000+08:00

Halloween Parties!!

Haha, alright babes. Time for a good laugh. I'm sure they got me rolling on the floor. Just some costumes you can consider getting for halloween parties. Sure you'll be OUTstanding. haha! I'll show you my favourite first. LOL.

Can you spot my favorite? HAHA! Sick.

Sick Shit.

Did you think it was real? I did. haha!

This chio ah pek turns me on man.
I didnt know fairies can be so pretty.

Doesnt the key and lock couple costume looks wrong?

See, this goes to show that the era of dressing up as nurses, sadakos, devils, poilcemen, pumpkins are way outdated. Try something new. LOL.

HAHA, okay luh, go to http://www.halloweenexpress.com/ and see for yourself.

They didnt pay me for an advertorial. Its just funny and they're not expensive!

2007-10-01T02:14:00.000+08:00

All's well again.

The mistake actually did me a great favour. If not for that I'll still be stuck here not knowing anything and cont' being a nuisance. Ashamed of that though. Nothing to be proud of. I just hope this doesnt repeat anymore and everything starts anew. (:

Thats all! The impact created really gave me a heart attack and I almost died. I gotta say I have really nice friends and its worth salvaging. Give me some more time and I'll be good again yeah?
I'm sorry to those to misunderstood as well. At least I know I have really great friends around who are concern. Thanks lot yeah?

As for the 7 of you, I think its best if we all meet up and talk. I see backstabbings in process and it irks me. A blames B and B blames C. So how? Everything continues to H since there's 8 of us ( including me)? So all these hypocrisy will cont if i didnt declare it publicly in my blog? You think, I thought and and all assume. Dont suggest msn convo pls, it's obvious that it doesnt work. I can wash my hands off everything actually. What's the point when nobody admits? Yeah, like what my friend said, its really primary sch thing and I agree. Perhaps i shld really just forget bout it. How many years of friendship? I guess its doesnt matter to any of you. Maybe I shld really believe that those days are already the past and people change. Maybe I am right to let go.

LABELS: Friends that forgive. Friends that forget.

2007-09-30T21:21:00.000+08:00

SHOCKED.

Chance upon blog entries which are obviously aiming at my previous post. I really got a shock. The response's really, shocking. I am NOT talking bout you guys my gosh. Please all don't think I'm referring to you guys. Any of you. Alright, my apologies for not stating names and hence, caused assumptions. My gosh. I'm really sorry for those who actually thought i was mad at them. Quite a number of groups either blogged or called me to clarify or to "retaliate"? Of course. the grp I was referring to asked as well and I told them straight.

My clarification :

#1 That entry's a mixture of feelings. Aiming at two different grps or rather a grp and a person. Two events happened at the same time and I blogged abt it cos it was too much for me and I've got no one to turn to. Cos nobod in TP knew the whole story or rather the background of the whole thing. If I were to tell any of you, you guys wont get it and I have to repeat myself from the beginning. That was why I chose to blog.

#2 That entry involved a grp. Nobody really knew about this grp. A grp of 7 girls. pretty obvious now aint it? and the other person's obviously Gary, who has NOTHING to do with that grp. If you can seperate the paras and sort them out with your knowledge of my stories, den you'll be able to see the contrast. Really, try. Its two seperate issues.

#3 Adding on to my feelings, my sis had to leave for Japan and this is the first time she'll be leaving home for so long. She's "leaving" me for the time being. See the link?

You mean you guys already left me? I didnt know that. I thought all was fine. It turned out to be me finding out the truth instead. Thanks lot for not opening up the issue, I know you guys can if you all want but you all didnt. I appreciate it alot. But I swear I really dont know what's going on. I will not know if nobody tells me? I attempted to find out wad was wrong months back but i was told all's well. I guess you guys felt that it wasnt necessary to kick a fuss bout it. Alright, Just tell me all that's on your mind alright? I just wanna know and I will change, not an attempt for you guys to forgive whatever i did wrong but for myself. I didnt know what i did wrong. But if you guys think it'll be just a waste of your time den I guess I will respect you all. Yupp, thats that. I know these friendships not gonna end or turn sour just like that.

I am waiting for your replies. I called you and clarified personally. You know who you are now right? Yupp.

2007-09-30T20:51:00.000+08:00

Its just a game for two.

Sent sis to the airport at early 0430hrs. Will only see her in like, 2 mths or so? Sigh. But Kev suggested going over for the weekend. Of course I'll be glad. hoho. Wait till Kev comes back from Bali den we'll decide. Hmmm, I love the feeling of having no worries, no stress and you know, really relaxed. But I miss my sis. ): So much tears at the airport just now. As if all of them going for a year or so. Its just 2months. Thats what I told myself. haha. Alright.

Going out for dinner soon. Nothing much about today. That's all. (:

我发现站了好久不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我再多人陪只会更寂寞
许多话题关于我就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可委屈却没有人诉说
夜半信仰丛白剥落拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候想你更多

2007-09-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

ABHORANCE.

I hate this feeling. Fucking irritating. Bloody hell irritating mofos. Yes yes, leave alright. everyone just leave k? Fucking leave for all I care. Just go away and dont ever come back alright? I wont appreciate a single bit if you do. Dont talk about trust. Dont tell me old granny stories about love, friendships and trust. Yes, no one fucking admits their mistake or rather dont think they had made mistake at all in their entire fucking life and just blame people once someone let them down. I see, so you're oh-so-perfect. I'm jealous of your life man. I really am. Jealous? So what? You're NOT worth it, AT ALL. I've never hate someone so much in my entire life. Listen, fucking shut up and listen to me for once. I loved you so much, yet this is what I get. You made me hate you to this extent. I swear this is my FIRST time hating someone so much that it hurts so badly. Just go away alright? GO AWAY. Don't come near me, I dont need you.

I forgave you when you hurt me. I still loved you despite all those shits you gave me. So tell me what the fuck you want? You told me so many fairytales we can make come true. You told me about ever-lasting friendships. You told me I was important. You told me miracles do happen. You made me smile whenever I'm down. You made me laugh at nothing all the time. You lent a listening ear and hear me complain. You told me bout your darkest secret and I kept mum about it. You gave a meaning to my mundane life. You were the reason I did not give up on myself. Also, you made me cry. You made me upset. You disappoint me. You hurt me. YOU FUCKING HURT ME. Hear me?! HAPPY now? Laugh, laugh your heart out. Come, laugh, I wanna hear your laughters. That'll tear me apart. That's what you want right? You've succeeded. Congratulations! FUCK OFF YOU ASSHOLE.

Took your revenge? Is it enough to please your oh-so-perfect soul? I'll leave you now. I'll fucking leave you now. Go pop champagne and celebrate. Go party and rmb this day as the happiest day of your life. Dont give me anymore explanations. I dont need need those anymore. Leave once and for all.

You're smart. Thumbs up for you. You know how to pull me down. You know my weak point. You hit me at the bulls' eye. Nice shot, perfect shot. I'm surprised at how much I can hate a person I loved so much. You're the first.

I changed so much for you. I did so much for you. You're always so important. I gave up almost everything for you. Just who are you. I'll make you regret. For the pain you inflicted on me, I'll return it in a hundred fold. Trust me. If I can love you, I can hate you. If I can love you so much, I can hate you double of that.

I fell here. I can stand on my feet strong again, here. Just wait.

I'll remember you forever, and ever. That's my promise to you. Its not just one of you.

LABELS: Don't say those things you don't mean. Cos they're a fucking nuisance to my ears.

2007-09-28T13:37:00.000+08:00

My apologies to Sarah for not seeing her tag. So, as a make up, I'll do the first part for her(:

*Person who tagged me : SARAH LYANA!

*My relationship with her : More then you expect ;)

*5 impressions I have of her :

Straightforward (that makes her Sarah)
Extremely encouraging
All out for her friends
True blue DC-er. (LOL)
I have to keep her at all cost(:

*Most memorable thing she has done for me : My pillar of strength when I was about to give up.

*Most memorable words she has said to me : I have faith in you. (:

*If she becomes my lover, I will : be a lesbian then, and love her of course! LOL

*If she becomes my enemy, I will : hate myself too. haha

*Most desirable thing I want to do for her now is : I wanna get her to pierce her ears!

*My overall impression of her is : AWESOME girl.

---

I'm done and as you can see, I'm stuck at home with a swollen finger. -_- Was suppose to meet sis at the airport but cramps are killing me. No mood for anywhere. Unless you are him, I will not rmb that I'm actually having a stomach cramp and swollen finger. Of course, if DC-ers date, I'll be there. LOL.

Going to the sinseh soon. They better not make me pay more den 20 bucks for my finger. Or I'll commit arson. Okay, I'm just kidding Mr Policeman, don't arrest me. I still have a long way to go.

I dread having to re-organise my wardrobe. But it needs the attention very much. Its gonna explode anytime. haha. Ikea with bro and mum tmr. Is tmr a Saturday? If yes, den yes, tmr. I want so many things. Can I but the whole Ikea? Not if my dad's not some tycoon. ):

I need to satisfy my retail-needs soon. Anyone? haha.

Sis flying off the Japan this Sunday, 30th. I'll only see her again in 2 month's time. How sad. I'm gonna miss her sleeping beside on the right side of the bed man. On a lighter note, there's space available right next to me! You wanna come and "sleep" beside me? haha! You'd probably be awaken by nightmares and cold sweats luh please. LOL. Aye, but seriously if you want you're most welcome. Only *you hor. HAHA, do i sound like some psycho? Back to being sad. I'll see you again on the 15th Nov stupid piggo! (:

What's with everyone going overseas and leaving me in S'pore?!?!? Warren and Kev's going Bali with their mummy. Never mind, I'll abandon you guys for Macau in Nov and Europe in Dec. BOO! Anw, dont forget my present okay! I want this and this and this. I gave you a list alr right? :D

Okay, Sinseh's calling me now. I shal stop talking to myself here and get my ass outta the house. See you! Oh, I'm not saying that those who blog are talking to themselves. Its me ok? Just me. LOL. though its pretty known to everyone that this is a fact. hoho.

See you, enileda! haha.

2007-09-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

The sound of your name.

My precious right index finger's swollen. RIGHT side lor. -_- Worse, I don't know why. This is the sole purpose of this entry. heh.

Should I see the sinseh? But see a sinseh for a pathetic finger? A lil funny man. Sis commented," Wait until all five finger swell den go lor." WTH. ): My fingers are fat enough and need no swelling to ENHANCE it further.

AHHH, I'm confused. haha. See the sinseh? See not? hahhaa. What's "see not"? Crazy.

LABELS: Why the excuses?

2007-09-27T20:38:00.000+08:00

Sorry Vivi, I just read your blog and saw this. =x

Anyway, here you go.

Person who tagged me : Vivi -_- ( she thinks i'm as free as her. lol)

*My relationship with her : She's my confidante and a fellow DC-er (:

*5 impressions I have of her :

How can a person have such soft and straight hair?
How can someone still slowly style her hair despite being late for lecs?
How can someone ever make me laugh so hard in wee hours in front of the dumb com?
How can a person ever know just when to talk to me?
I know what's on her mind sometimes. hoho.

*Most memorable thing she has done for me : Many things she's done for me, all memorable, how? The hug she gave when I was down.

*Most memorable words she has said to me : You read me like a book.

*If she becomes my lover, I will : Lover ah? Means will make love huh? Then I'll give her the best experience of her life. LOL.

*If she becomes my enemy, I will : God taught me to love me enemy. (:

*Most desirable thing I want to do for her now is : Hmm, desirable. *looks at DC-ers.*

*My overall impression of her is : Someone I wouldnt trade for anything in the world.

***

*What I think people feel about me : Noisy. Over-friendly. Fierce? Unapproachable.

*Characteristics I love about myself : Straightforward. Genuine.

*Characteristics I hate about myself : A little too ego. Putting in too much feelings.

*Most ideal person I want to be is : Queen Elizabeth II

*A message for people who care for me and like me : Thank you. (:

Pass this quiz to 10 people whom you wish to know how they feel about you :

Min Min
Kwai
Cherly
Warren
Vivi! ( do again luh. lol)
Pris
Val
Sarah
Janice
Kelly

*Who is no.6 having a relationship with? : WHO ELSE! lol.

*Is no.9 a male or female? : Female

*If no.7 and no.10 are in a relationship, will it be a good one? : Kelly's a girl.

*What is no.2 studying? : Hospitality Management(:

*When was the last time I chatted with no.3? : Last week? Can't rmb.

*What type of music does no.8 like? : No preference? She listens and knows how to sing chinese songs!

*Does no.1 have siblings? : Older bro and sis. Jason, Ivy.

*Would I woo no.3? : More like she'll woo me. LOL

*Would I woo no.7? : If I'm a guy, definitely.

*Is no.4 single? : No, he doesnt want me anymore. haha.

*What's no.5's surname? : LIM na beh.

*What's no.4's hobby? : Chatting endlessly on the phone, making sure he's at his best, hitting posh bars with me. LOL.

*Do no.5 and no.9 get along well? : Of course, all classmates.

*Where is no.2 studying? :SHATEC.

*Say something casual about no.1 : She's my pig sister.

*Have I tried developing feelings for no.8? : We're in love please! (X

*Where does no.9 live? : Chai Chee.

*What colour does no.4 like? : Green. All earthy colours.

*Are no.1 and no.5 best friends? : No, but both are mine. Does it count?

*Does no.7 like no.2? : They're from different worlds.

*How did I get to know no.2? : My senior in sec school.

*Does no.1 have any pets? : 3 dogs for heaven's sake.

*Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? : What's sexyclique for?

FINALLY i'm done. Had to sort out the questions one by one please. I thought I'd die after doing this. LOL. Thankew huh, VIVI. You never fail to give me the best things on Earth.

I'm lazy to blog already. Thanks to this quiz. haha. BYEBYE!

PS: Above questions were answered from the heart. lalalala.

LABELS: We loved the splendour.

2007-09-27T05:51:00.000+08:00

Harry's @ Dempsey Hill.

Sure that place's hot. Met Estelle and Kevin after getting those patent heels at Plaza Sing. where I met Vivi and Andrea in the toilet -_- What a glam place to bump into them. Ha. Heard Vivi's voice when she wasnt even anywhere near the toilet. LOL. A little exagerating. ANW, that was just to make sure you guys know how LOUD she was. Okay, back to Dempsey Hill.

Band performed and sang ballads. Really nice and soothing. Not those sleazy bars where lights are purposely dimmed so everyone looks as gorgeous. haha. Brightly-lit Harry's deserve a 9 out of 10. :D Patrons were mostly caucasians. SPGs, know where to hit. haha. There're caucasians who look like crap. LOL. I saw a few, at least. The mentality of all caucasians are cute has to be changed. (:

Oh, Vivi, SPGs are pretty, most of them. So I dont fit into that category. LOL. You know what I'm talking about. (:

Ben & Jerry's just opposite Harry's. Of course, who can resist the temptation of B&J's? That was our dessert. Had a candy-spree over at Jone's before hitting B&J's. Kevin had to suggest a meatloaf feast which almost made me puke out all the food I ate. -_- Everyone know that feeling.

Did I mention that this B&J's different? Very different. Got myself a B&J's lipbalm. Really cute. Will post pics up soon. ((: I'm gonna make Dempsey Hill my weekly affair. hoho.

Mustafa for money changer and I had to mind my words there. haha. Not all of them are Dinny you know. =)

Its freaking 0611hrs now and I think I have to sleep now. Darkrings are getting from bad to worse. ):

GOODNIGHT all!

LABELS: When you crept silently into my mind.

2007-09-26T02:15:00.000+08:00

Somewhere I belong.

I count my blessings. I'd accept the fact that I'm fortunate enough. It upsets me, but at least I know I was right. My feelings never go wrong and I trust them. Its been long since I last talked to you and thus the distance. We knew the reason behind but none of us wanna talk about it. Perhaps its all the events that took place, good and bad. I chance upon a picture of you. Numb, no feelings. I feel nothing. Guess all that's beyond pain. Survived a week of hell. Pained thru those days of grieve. I came to realise, finally, willing to accept the fact thatyou don't need me. Or rather, there's no difference whether I'm there or not.

So I'll put everything behind me and move on. I'll leave behind those laughters and joy we shared and take with me the pain as a lesson learnt. I still love you, I still do. But do I have a choice? No. This is so much I can give. May not be significant, but that was my all.

I'll be lying if I say I don't miss you. You don't know how much you mean to me. You chose to give me up. And so I let go.

A friendship I held so dear. Everyone makes mistakes, who doesnt? The only time where you find no reason to forgive someone is when you dont err yourself. Of course, you have all rights to decide. I'm just giving my two cents worth.

On the contrary, I wish I can have you back and call you mine once again. I know it feels like me pushing you down the cliff yet wanna save you from below. How contradicting.

This is all because I cant bear to see you leave.

LABELS: A blend of my feelings and emotions.

2007-09-25T23:34:00.000+08:00

I'm not over it.

Alright mins, i saw your invasion luh! STUPID one. (: No time and mood for blogs. When I have the time, I dont have the mood, vice versa.

This hol's the worst I ever had. I swear nothing could have been worse. Sent my Granny off on the 15th Sept 2007. I bid her farewell on the 9th. But she'll live in my heart forever. I promise.

Why think of the future when you don't even remember the past.

2007-09-25T22:14:00.000+08:00

Adel loves Mins the most (:

and and and..Mins loves Adel alot because
of the Happy Meal and Sundae :DDDDD yayyyy!

I bet Adel's gonna take weeks or even months to
realise that her this blog is currently under invasion.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! (: Power anot?

I've been going to Adel's blog whenever i'm online,
but what i've been seeing was, CHINESE LYRICS
forever there -.- (her latest post)
And once i saw, i would just click "back" cause
i knew she didnt update -.- Walaooooooooo.

Okay, i'm lazyyyy.
That's all.
ZAI JIANNNNNNN (:

2007-09-07T23:45:00.000+08:00

--

能不能就对着我说爱我
能不能就陪着我天长地久
不要对我若即若离
让我伤心泪流

能不能就对着我说爱我
能不能就陪着我一直到最后
从今以后剩下的路
要你陪我走

2007-09-07T23:12:00.000+08:00

Accidental phonecall.

Slacked at home for the whole of today. Was suppose to go school for Oktoberfest briefing, but I overslept): I'll be going for the event though. Didnt sound very convenient and all. But its rather interesting. 3pm to 3am for 5 days. Gosh, I hope I'll survive man. The pay's good anyway. LOL.

Talked to Weilan after so many donkey years. :D Will take time out to meet her. For Sakae, movies and * . hahaha!-Lans, you know I know. LOL. Faints. This idiot never fail to make me laugh out loud and embarrass myself everywhere, anywhere. (: I miss her alot man. You better grow up and stop irritating me ah. I know your aim in life is to irritate me every time you see me. Better not meet up with both you and Bird at the same time. You two will drive me crazy. Lans + Birdie = 6 WEILAN. =x

Nothing else to blog already. hoho. Exams results coming out and I'm really worried. ):

I'll treat it as a wake up call.
Don't replace it with someone who's name starts with "AC"
You joked bout it.
And you really didnt.
Its good enough.
It came when I was thinking bout you.
Shall I call it coincidental?
Or can I say its affinity?
I don't know.
I just miss you.

LABELS: I don't need anyone better. i just need you.

2007-09-07T00:28:00.000+08:00

Alright, got tagged by Vivi and I HAVE to do it. LOL.

So here it goes,

Each player of this game starts off by giving 5 weird things about themselves.
People who get tagged needs to write in their blog of their own weird things as well and state the rules clearly.
In the end, you'll select 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

5 weird things about myself.

1. I am overly-open about my feelings and I am not afraid to make them known even if there are grave consequences to face. Will do things that normal people don't.

2. Will take years to decide whether or not to have a hair-cut. -My hair matters alot. Will never trust my hair to ANY hairdresser man.

3. I will do something I know I shouldnt and allow myself to make mistakes. Tried to control myself occasionally though. LOL

4. Hate showing people the weak side of me.

5. Will blog whenever I'm unhappy cos I think my blog is the best confidante on Earth. (:

Okay, now I'm suppose to tag. They will be, Mins, Cherly, Val, Pris and Reuben. Reason being, as far as I know they do read my blog somehow and are able/will blog often. (:

THATS IT((: Thanks Vivi for tagging. ((:

2007-09-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

The things we once said.

BACK FROM CHALET!!! ((: one word, AWESOME. haha. Enjoyed myself alot and drank alot. Didnt know my classmates can be such great drinkers. Damn, looks can be deceiving. LOL. Anyway, Mr Daniel Chia, Ms Quah and Mr Pras dropped by. Mr Chia made us 4 boxes of Mapo Toufu. It was really nice I tell you. Nothing can beat the joy of being able to taste his cooking. We gotta thank Sarah for that man. ((: Anyone jealous? haha. Daniel Chia rocks la. Class took many pics with him and we really gotta thank him for making the effort to come by though he had a really tight schedule. He had to go for some party at Sentosa organised by some magazine. Despite the rush, he went supermarket to get the ingredients den went home, whipped up the dish and cabbed down. THANKS MR CHIA. You're awesome.

Of course, Ms Quah and Mr Pras' turn-up got us all excited. haha. Really appreciate it man. Ms Quah even "subsidized" the event. LOL. Mr Pras bought many chocolates. 1H03 really has got sweet tooth. haha.

I guess my blog entry's not detailed enough. You guys may wanna go to Vivi, Andrea or Sarah's blog for more. ((: I'm sure they're gonna blog about what the DCs did during the chalet and you'll really laugh ur ass off. Esp the DC anthem. LOL.

I will update more tmr. Just got home and am really tired. Meeting classmates at 10.30am tmr. All going for oktoberfest briefing. whooohooooooooo. :D

I can get you off my mind, only when I'm not sane

LABELS: Expect the unexpected.

2007-09-05T12:02:00.000+08:00

LYRICS TIME.

坐在这角落 心里很多话想说

知道我以后 需要一直往前走

这样的爱情又算是什麼
爱不在 应该让自己从回忆中离开

有时候对爱有太深太多倚赖
好像你失去在这世界还能够 独单的自由

是曾经有的梦 现在只剩一场空
心裏好多疑问 你忘了你的承诺
笑我自己没有用眼泪无言的留下来
知道还是要面对 这段感情的伤痛

有时候不管对爱有多少的倚赖
就算再不愿意再伤心 我明白
我们只能放手

曾经以为等待会改变什么 你总会属于我

你道歉你难过于是我给你笑容
谁在乎我的心 还会不会寂寞

如果爱情是五线谱我曾希望用全音符
吟唱出 爱上你 那完整的幸福
但你的心没有耳朵即使我为你唱着歌
你也只 看见我哭了

你退缩你冷漠 于是我放开双手　
不在乎我的心 会永远的寂寞

---

Waiting for time to pass so I can leave house for chalet. I need a break man. But apparently this chalet's not really helping. Probably it will later, but definitely not now. Anyway, not important. Haven been a good rep since school start I guess, so is this a time to make up to the class for everything? ha. But i dare say I was there when the class' in need. CCN day prep and all crap. Ah well, this is suppose to be a happy event. Yes, it will be, i'm sure. Just exhausted. But those constant msges to ask if i'm alright really helps. Thanks Vivi. ((: Oh, Kelly, you're just awesome. I know its just the both of us doing all the work and you have no obligations, you helped anw. Thanks lot for that yeah? (: Alright, enjoy yourselves ltr guys.

French class' gonna start again. Gonna do my module 2. Hope I'll still remember the crap I learnt in module 1. Come to think of it, I can hardly use the new language when noone else can converse with me in it. Oh, maybe Daniel Chia and Pras. LOL. But I don't wanna embarrass myself. I'll probably not be as fluent as they are. So I better shut up. ha.

A goodnight from you made me smile, from deep inside. -yet again

LABELS: So many things to say, all ended with a "goodnight"

2007-09-04T03:13:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANICE!! ((:

Sweet Seventeenth to you girl!

HAHA, your 3rd cake I suppose.

LABELS: Every birthday girl deserves to be happy.

2007-09-03T01:37:00.000+08:00

You're my past, present and future.

A simple text from you can bring a smile to my face. No hundreds of msges from any others can do the same. Its amazing how you could do that to me, and my life. Tell me how can I let you go. Tell me how can I not love you? Teach me, if you want me to. Nobody's saying anything, nobody's doing anything. Just like that.

I dont even have an answer to myself. I dont want any either. I just hate to think. Maybe you, too, feel this way.

Do you know whats going through my mind?

----

Gramp's place for dinner today. Something's just not right and someone's not there. Granny's not there. Probably that's the difference. Paid her a visit ystd with uncles and aunt. Speechless. Dumb-founded. Stunned. Heartache. Pain. Lost. Helpless. Sad. Dejected. Seeing those tears in her eyes made me feel so useless. There's nothing I could give but words. Just words.

Whenever I'm upset, the person I wanna see most is you. The first person I thought of will always be you. Why? Any other wouldnt be able to do the same. So many things I would tell you but to none others. I wanna share my life with you and be part of yours. But, you're never here.

LABELS: Tell me what to do, when I miss you so much.

2007-09-01T15:50:00.000+08:00

我等你

不做考虑也没半点犹豫
我就说了这一句我等你
你眼中闪过了一些压抑
更多的是怀疑
所以你可以离去

不相信你还会回心转意
是我任性才决定要等你
我眼中的泪没掉过一滴
只是随你背影
慢慢倒流进心里

我等你半年为期
逾期就狠狠把你忘记
不止是伤心的还包括一切甜蜜

要等你
要证明自己我可以纵容你在心底
也可以当你只是路过的人而已

2007-08-31T21:47:00.000+08:00

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up too
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes see everything without a single word

'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see

But there's somethin' in the way you look at me
If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you touch your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stands still

'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel
I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time

The way you look at me

LABELS: Where'd you go

2007-08-31T04:07:00.000+08:00

Please, stop this pain.

I cannot take it anymore. I've totally lost myself. I don't know what to do now. Someone tell me. It always happens at this time- night. My weakest point of time. I'm losing control. I dont know how much longer I can hold. Where's my pillar of strength. I lost it too. Just let me be. I'll be fine once again come dawn.

LABELS: Baby don't you break my heart slow.

2007-08-31T01:34:00.000+08:00

原来爱情这么伤

我睁开眼睛却感觉不到天亮
东西吃一半莫名其妙哭一场
我忍住不想时间变得更漫长
也与你有关否则又开始胡思乱想

我日月无光忙得不知所以然
找朋友交谈其实全帮不上忙
以为会习惯有你在才是习惯
你曾住在我心上现在空了一个地方

原来爱情这么伤比想象中还难
泪水总是不听话幸福躲起来不声不响
太多道理太牵强道理全是一样
说的时候很简单爱上后却正巧打乱

只想变的坚强强到能够去忘
无所谓悲伤只要学会抵抗

原来爱情这么伤
原来爱情是这样这样峰回路转
泪水明明流不干瞎了眼还要再爱一趟
有一天终于打完思念的一场战

回过头再看一看原来爱情那么伤
下次还会不会这样

LABELS: My love.

2007-08-30T22:17:00.000+08:00

Love can be so, fragile.

I GOT MY ADAPTER ALREADY((: Thank you DADDIO! Dad got it for me. LALALALA. I'm using my own laptop now. Happy. Organising class chalet. I didnt know it can cause so much headache. But thank god I have Kelsen to help me. ((: Thank you kelly!

Its tentatively fixed on the 10th to 12th Sept. Downtown East Costa Sands. BBQ food. Booking of units. GOSH. I know I'm free now but, my goodness. So manythings to do and so little time. I have kelly to suffer with me. LOL.

Today's weather's too good to be out of the bed. Msged Sweetheart and Darl and bet both were still sleeping. LOL. When finally replied, I was right. Cos I, too, was sleeping like a pig. =x

Alright, have to carry on with the chalet thing. I'm enjoying it thou.

Sis, Cheer up okay? Dont worry. Everything will be fine. You trust me, don't you? No worries. Look on the bright side okay? (:

Where'd you go, I miss you so.

LABELS; So much more to say, its just feels so right.

2007-08-30T05:41:00.000+08:00

There's love, still.

I'mma happy girl. Happy again, happy still, will be happy always always. (((: Ask me why ask me why. HURRY ask me why. heh heh. Sweetheart and Darl might know. la la la la. No more thinking Adel, so childish of you plsss. But hey, i'm just overly concern. Its good in a way luhh. See how much you mean to me? See? THAT MUCH, THIS MUCH, SO MUCH. Open up your both hands, yes, that much. I learnt. I treasure, I really will.

Bro and friends over for mahjong game. Still talking to Kelsen online. That idiotic one. Sucha pain in the ass on the phone AND online la. haha. NO MORE PHONECALLS KELLY! Kidding luh. Discussing class chalet and I'm proud to say that we're almost done with the researching and market evaluation. SERIOUSLY reminds me of RHT. kns. Uploading tons of songs into my phone and I wanna share with everyoneeeee!

Cos I am happy tonight. Cos you made me happy again. You and you, yes. ((: HOLIDAYSSSSS! Say goodbye to darn PROJECTS and EXAMS. Its time to enjoy again. LOL.

where were you when i needed you?
you knew you're the only one.
The only one I wanna hear from.
Many reasons you gave.
But I just hope to hear the truth.
You know I won't mind.
You know I'll love you still.
Cos I wont let go.
If only you believe.

LABELS: Anytime, you will find me here.

2007-08-29T21:48:00.000+08:00

为什麼我难过只肯让你安慰 .

Finally exams are over. Time to play and relax? Perhaps. No, not elated at all.

Town after exams today. Sis called and asked to meet. Since was in town, i can have company home. ((: Andrea, Pearlyn, Timomo, Jan, Kelly and Sarah were heading down town too. Bus ride was hilarious. LOL. Went over taka to meet - . Then Sis at Taka. Super hungry man,

Ok, I'm trying to paragraph my entry. SEE CHERLY LIM, I'm PARAGRAPHING my entries! TSK. haha. That idiot says reading my blog can really fall asleep. THEN DONT READ LAAA!

Just reached home.

If you wanna go, leave me a reason.
So that I will know.

LABELS: MY PRIDE

2007-08-26T02:23:00.000+08:00

My Past Love.

I kinda have this feeling that you still do read my blog. Don't ask me why, I don't know. Probably you're still holding on to the past. But don't, please. Just don't. Not when you know there's no turning back. Not when you know its all the past. I can't return, not anymore. I know I just left without a word, without giving you any acceptable explanation. Let me tell you why. because I had none. No good enough a reason to explain why I did all that. I didnt know what to do. But it was definitely not for another. I wouldnt do that. Maybe the other triggered it. Made me realise there wasnt anymore love. I looked far, I couldnt see any future with you. You knew from the start, we both knew. - Its has to end. It wasnt an issue to us before, but I came to realise I am not willing. So I gave you up. I didnt look back, at all. I was ruthless, I know. Again, no explanation for that. Cos I was just doing what I wanna do. Selfish, like all said, but that was the only way to move on. You gotta agree with me. I know I could have given some leeway.

The bouquet you gave me, it came too late. Really late. Why did you thought of the item that I loved most only at the very last minute when you know you have to do smth to make me stay? I gave us a chance still, I accepted the bouquet and asked myself. How did I felt. Downright disappointed. Not a single bit of happiness and love. I dont wanna spell out every single event that took place. I dragged it for a year. It was time to put an end to it, and I did.

I did a bad job I know. But aint it the only way to make you hate me?

Don't live those memories, they are just memories. Put them behind you and keep just keep them. It isnt something nice to remember in the first place. I dont have the right to decide for you I know. I've decided to blog specially bout this cos I kinda thought its time for clarification. Is it too late? Its been 9 months, goodness. So many things happened within this period of time. Good and bad, most bad I think, love life wise. You can say this is my retribution I dont mind, its true anyway. I always believed karma exists. And it's happening to me now. Its painful but its okay. I'm willing to take all this shit I'm facing now.

I didnt reply to every single of your messages, I didnt want to. Ego. I dont wanna have to tell you how screwed up my life is, I don't see a need. You can see it for yourself clearly. Dont ask me. I cannot put down my pride to tell you anything thats happening. You must be asking yourself, " ta1 ye3 hui4 you 3 jin1 tian1" Yeap, my day has arrived. Pain, but I'm willing to take it. Cos I know it worth it. Look at how we started, you will den know why am I so determined now.

All in all, I'm sorry for everything. How much a "sorry" worth, you decide.

So many things to say, but I dont know how to continue from here. We should know better. And maybe, just maybe, you're just allowing the memories to linger, you're not holding on anymore. I certainly hope so.

LABELS: Turn back time, I'll still take this path.

2007-08-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

Hurts, but so what?

Over at min's to visit. ((: Talked about her love life and all. Going strong, doing good. ha. Suppose to study but you know, I can't study outside. So the notes were all redundant somehow. -_-" Decided to come online and blog.

InHT paper was pretty fine. But I dont wanna speak to soon man. =x As usual, question was a little more dificult to comprehend as compared to normal times. You-know-why. Biz-parked a little while after paper. Went off to print val's notes den Hg Mall-ed to meet mum. Compasspoint to meet mins after that. Met Maylene and talk cock ALOT. LOL. Funny shit la all. Cam-whored but none of them look good. Must be Mins. HAHA. Shit, she's sleeping beside me now and I'm suppose to keep her awake. ((:

Its been long since I came over lah. Bet her mum, my half-mother already luh, missed me like how my mum missed mins. She's kinda thick-skinned luh. Keep asking my mum if she misses her. GOD. LOL.

I miss the laughters of S.C

I know whats going on. But I've decided to keep quiet. Cos I still love.

This is one of the nights where I missed you so much but cant find a way to let you know.

Ok, gonna stop here for now.

LABELS: Because I still treasure.

2007-08-23T00:16:00.000+08:00

MUG MUG MUGGING.

My, I feel the tension man. Everyone's mugging. Hmmm, came online to get notes. FnB revision lec tmr at 9am. Think I shld sleep now. (:

You're important to me.
How much do you believe,
that I cannot force.
There's no superficials,
I see none.
Cos if there is eventually,
Its gonna hurt alot. Alot.
After this period,
everything's gonna be the same.
Say yes, they will be.
If in anyway you're offended by me,
my apologies.
But do tell me.
Let me know where had I gone wrong.
I'd really like to know.
So that I can be a friend again.

LABELS: At last.

2007-08-20T21:09:00.000+08:00

Insecurities, dont lead me away.

Dont mistake my intentions please. Dont have to read beyond and I dont have underlying meanings behind my previous post. When I say thank you, I mean thank you. No sacarsm if you happen to feel any. I cherish all my friends and I really do. Its gonna really hurt if anyone misread it and gets offended. And I know words are only words, I can say it a thousand, million time yet I dont mean it, but I mean it when I say you guys are important. I've been trying really hard not to think too much or be overly-sensitive but I really cant help it when paranoia sets in and makes me think otherwise. Let time prove me wrong. Let time tell me that I'm being too paranoid. And of course, if there's smth wrong with me or anything that you guys are not happy with, be sure to tell me. I really won't know if no one tells me. I wouldnt bother if its any one else seriously. If anything bad's gonna happen, it'll hurt more than anything else, including the pain that love has inflicted on me. yeap, thats all. I hope all's well.

LABELS: Loved ones.

2007-08-20T10:31:00.000+08:00

Reminisce the past.

I miss those days where I feel so attached to a group of friends and a place I feel a sense of belonging. I'm starting to ask myself if those friendship ever exist now. Yes, I do have a clique of four(: But what abt the rest? In a clique, you will always have friends from outside, close ones. Am I suppose to have some too? I thought it wasnt essential till I see what's happening to me. Being too obsessive isnt good, thats what Alvin told me the other time. Right, maybe I should think about it. I definitely loathe superficial friendships. Those where you only hang out with them for the sake of companionship of just merely making up the numbers. Perhaps I ask for too much in a friend, but this is the first time I'm feeling this way. Or probably I should try being a loner. I hate to cherish a friendship so much yet people dont reciprocate. That sucks. I shld learn to not put in so much.

For that, I gotta thank Val and Pris for giving me a reason to stay happy. ANYWAY, study hard all! Mug hard now and we'll play later(: Wont blog for a week or so. I wanna get my grades. Take care all. EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS...

LABELS: Friendships.

2007-08-19T21:17:00.000+08:00

yeap, nothing changes, I'm trying. I'm good at running away. And I have the tendency to do that. Its just in me but this time I'm gonna face it, not avoid it. I don't know what the future holds and I cannot substantiate anything now. You know you are more than just that, what more? I dont know. I don't have an answer for this. Maybe I will, just not any time soon. Like I said, I'm very very comfortable with you and I dont want it to change. But I wanna know why the comfy and the reason behind my dilemma. Thats for me to know.

I don't wanna run away.

LABELS: I can play pretend.

2007-08-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

When there are times I just wished I could lean on you.
You have to know I cannot let things remain as it is.

The moment I open up, things are bound to change and I accept it. I hope you, too, can accept the change. I will try to make things stay the way the are ( the kind where you and i just enjoy each other's company). But at the end of the day, you have to know that he's the one in my heart. Blunt as I may be, I just wanna set things straight from the start. Don't assume from now on. Just ask. You may be only noticing her at that time but I could tell that there's a distraction that caused you to think that you can let her go. So now tell me, how could you not know what was going on?

You don't have to tell me how yoiu're feeling inside now. Cos I know. I may be wrong, but I'd still prefer to stick to what I think. (:

When all I think of is him alone, when the cause of all my down moments is him.

LABELS: gerz_rulez@hotmail -you didnt know.

2007-08-18T04:01:00.000+08:00

Ambiguity.
Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Story? Here you go.

You saw through me too. In fact, long ago. But it was the insecurity in you that stopped you from confirming. All, I could tell. But I chose to keep quiet. Cos I know I cant give anything. Only words. Its only fair to not make it known. It'll be unfair to you. Cos my heart's with someone else and I actually knew it'll be with him for long. Never once intended to get it back. I don't know what I did all that in the past. You made me rely on you, too much. To an extent where I no longer able to understand how I'm feeling inside. Everything's just, messed up. But I managed to sort them out. Only recently. Did you see thru my attempts of trying to distance myself and not look into your eyes when talking to you? If you didnt know, I did. I thought it was really obvious. Put you up with someone else so that you wont know what I was trying to do.

And finally, 17th Aug came. I knew the answer lonbg oin my heart but I just cannot decide if I wanna listen to it. I' m not gonna think about it anymore and leave it as it is. I'm just very confortable with you and I dropped many many hints along the way. All you have to do is read beyond, thats when you'll see the whole picture. And then again, I knew you caught them, all. Your refusal to confirm it just made me that "Hey, wake up. You cant do this." If you'd asked me straight and direct, word for word, knowing me, I'd have just tell you if you're right or wrong. You know I'm capable of telling the truth no matter wad'll happen after that.

You caught me at my weakest day and time. Not only today. But all the time when I thought I knew what I was doing. But no, i dont. Its only when I wake up the next day I realise I shouldnt have. You just happen to be there when I'm at my lowest. I dont know if its pufre coincidence or you knew I was down, you just caught me at the right time. So you cant blame me for relying on you so much. I was really attached to you emotionally. Biut I know I cant give you anything more. Yet again, I want you to be there for me all the time. Selfish you may say, but who doesnt want it this way? I'm probably just the few who admits.

I push you away, and draw you back the next min. I know I cannot feel this way. You will only blog about what was supposedly "for me to read beyond" when we dont talk the night before or the entire day. When I wanna know what you're thinking, I will not talk to you at all till I get what i wanna read. Tey dont really make me happy. Cos I know, I cant do anything about it.

I don't want anything to change or stop, but it'll only be fair if I let you choose.

I will continue tonight..
Halfways sucks. But I know its essential.

2007-08-18T02:09:00.000+08:00

I cannot decide, I really can't.

I don't wanna think, anymore. Leave things as they are. I will let go naturally if I can, I dont wanna force myself anymore. Cos the moment I look into your eyes, I melted. The more I tell myself to not feel for you, the more I feel that you're the one.

ANYWAY,
Today's totally AWESOME. Went down CS to get dry ice for the home-made cake. (: Rushed home again to get all the stuff den down to pick Sweetheart den off to Fish&Co @ Bugis. Seriously if val wasnt there with me I'd lost my way man. HAHA. kns. Got kinda stressed when the cake started to.. You know. Met up with the rest and dinner-ed. Will upload pics when darl send to me. Puyuan (Gary) was made to stand on the chair and we sang him birthday song. :D Crapped and talked till Puyuan took out the huge bottle of Jellybeans out to munch. LOL. Funny la he.

Down to town after dinner. the guys paragon-ed while the girls centrepoint-ed. HAHA. Puyuan had to collect things form his boss at paragon and BJ had to drop smth at centrepoint. So there. All met at cine. Wanted to Kbox, but some reasons doesnt permit us to. Decided to go down esplanade.l Bus-ed down. Took them for a long walk and Puyuan complained cos the bottles I gave him was heavy. LOL. SORRY man. =/ Sat along the sides of Esplanade.Took photos and went off after awhile. No cabs wanna pick us luh. waited for almost an hour till I couldnt take it anymore and decided to call for one. HAHA. Split up and we have didi with us. Merc cab we've got. Picked didi's Shifu ( WeiQiang) up at Tamp Mall and the fare was alr 35bucks when Didi and WQ alighted. HAHA. CHAMPION US. Total cabfare was 41 bucks pls!!! ULTIMATE. The most expensive cabfare I ever had. GOSH. Night time robbery. LOL!

Damn tired now. Will add on if I rmb anymore things that took place today. Gonna KO soon. Gonna sleep and sleep sleep sleep tmr man! LOL. Went for Econs tutorial just for attendance. Only found out yst 2am plus that my attendance reached 85% alr and I cannot miss anymore. Dragged myself and Val off the bed and off to school. SAFRA to bowl after lessons. Thought I lost touch on bowling but overall was kinda alright. Went home and nap till sep called.

I know this entry's a little disorganised la. But i'm really tired. Will rearrange them tmr. Brother's friends are coming over for mahjong and that means noise noise and more noise. SIAN-ed.

ALRIGHT, thats all. GOODNIGHT!

Time and time again you make me feel that all I need is you.

again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PUYUAN! <3

LABELS: I still want you.

Friends.

2007-08-17T16:37:00.001+08:00

Just friends.

2007-08-17T16:04:00.000+08:00

普通朋友

等待我随时随地在等待
做你感情上的依赖
我没有任何的疑问
这是爱
我猜
你早就想要说明白
我觉得自己好失败
从天堂掉落到深渊

多无奈
我愿意改变(what can i do?)
重新再来一遍(just give me chance)
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能收手
但你说

i only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在
你心中只是 just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来

so i
我不能只是be your friend
i just can't be your friend
no,no,no,我不能只是做你的朋友
不能只是做普通朋友

2007-08-17T00:45:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GARY! ((:

<3s!

2007-08-16T19:53:00.000+08:00

Clarification #1 : FROM VAL

- aiyoh, theres nth to be pissed bout of ur booklet lah. haha, dont worry lah.

HAPPY to hear that. Really. :D
This made me feel that I shldnt stop trying.

2007-08-16T19:26:00.000+08:00

Knowing more than you should.

Showed you guys the little book which has many many things inside that you guiys didnt know. I knew it'll cause confusions and anger but all I wanna say is everything is not as it seems. To go back to particular dates and be at that situation will only then make you guys understand why I did all that. Come and ask me if you think there's a need. I'll give you an answer to every single one of them. Things are simple, if only you look at them properly. Maybe this caused you guys to lose trust or doubt me, but I really cant do anything if you dont bother to find out why. So like I saed, ask me. If you think there's no need cos it doesnt matter, tell me.

Its really obvious that I'm not as close to you guys anymore. Or maybe I shld say you both are closer in a way. Yeap, I have to be fair and I have to understand this is what happens in a clique consisting of 3 girls and a guy. What do I do when i feel leftout and feel unbelonged? Just leave it? Maybe you guys didnt realise but its okay. Its pretty unimportant. I was proud of us that we can still be close without a clique in a clique but unknowingly, one was left out. And I happen to be the one. I really was hoping you guys to ask me all about the events that I wrote in the book but none of you came forward. Positive?-there's no need to, its all the past. Negative?-Cant be bothered already, wanna act? We'll do the same. Dont give me a death sentence immediately, even a person who committed murder will be allowed trials.

You guys mean alot to me. But how much I am to you all, I really dont know. I hope we'll be as open as always and dont hide anything from me. Got a problem? Be open about it. Keeping them to yourselves will worsen things. Isnt this what we thought all along?

I tried to close the gap but I will be tired sometimes. I dont want to be the only one trying. Its really straining. But nonetheless I gotta really say thank you to you guys for helping me so much. In any and every way. Never once regret telling people that I'm from Sexy.C though.

This is how I feel. It may be just my sensitivity and assumption. Dont read too much into it. Everything is just as it is. As simple. I promise.

LABELS: Transparency.

2007-08-15T12:54:00.001+08:00

我爱你不是爱给别人看.

2007-08-15T11:06:00.000+08:00

I will show that you mean nothing to me.

4279. As much as everyone knows how much you mean to me, I'm gonna make you think that you're nothing to me. Not a single of your everything will affect me. I'm gonna stop letting you know how much I feel for you. You'll just be a friend to me, just like everyone else. (:

Commskills presentation today. Now we're all busy in RHT lab. LOL. Busy with what? I dont know. All i know is the tutor's not around. (: I gotta say this presentation's the best one I ever did so far. hoho.

Econs lecture later on at 2pm. Sians. Feel like sleeping. Gotta start taking out the * in my fridge.
I WANNA GO HOME AND SLEEEEEEEEP. Tutor's back. Double sian-ness. LOL. Nothing much to blog. Cont' tonight. (:

LABELS: I'll play pretend.

2007-08-14T23:12:00.000+08:00

SexyClique <3

Intended to skip InHT lecture today but got "pulled" by Sweetheart. Dragged my ass off the bed and didnt touch my face at all. So I was make-up(less) today. Thought I looked really pale and ugly. ): Was a little late for lecture but Pras, as always, was nice. (: Miraculously Gary came for lec. LOL. Got suan-ed by Sweetheart. Darl and Alvin was late late. haha. Was feeling tired and lethargic thruout the day.

PoM tutorial and RHT lecture ( went for the sake of main exam ). Everyone was being shameless, normal lecture only 1/10 of the LT filled. Last revision lec for the sem? FULL HOUSE. How shameless. LOL.

Design school after lecture. For once not Bizpark. But I still prefer bizpark.

OH, Did I mentioned that Darl and I forgot our wallets today? -_- Didnt realise till we reached school. How dumb.. All meals on Alvin and a little from sweetheart today. LOL. Didnt eat in school so I can look forward to coming home for food. HAHA. Commskills presentation prep.

Sexy.C came over for dinner. Watched movie while I do my stuff. Lotsa laughters today and I gotta say I totally love it today. :D Hope there'll be more in future. HILARIOUS. Laughed at design school over the MAGIC WAND that commands ***** to standdddd. HAHAHA. Funny shit. Had fun polluting Shining's mind too. LOL. That innocent girl. :/

To summarize today, AWESOME. ((:
I love my clique mans! <3s!

LABELS: I've got my pride. I will make you seem to mean nothing to me.

2007-08-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

My Love.

Looking back from where we first met, I cannot explain and I cannot forget. Baby you're the one, You still turn me on. You can make me whole again.

Before i begin, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZHIBIN (:

After a long day of lecs and tutorials, went town with Sweetheart and Darl to meet Sep, Dinny and BJ at Centrepoint. BJ had to work, the rest of us went down to The Cathay with plans in our heads but didnt manage to get it done. Was kinda disappointed but felt bad for making everyone come all the way. So, treated everyone to Ben&Jerry's ice cream, MERLIONSTERRR. =D Hafiz came a little later and all went Adidas to just sit in a circle deciding what to get. Funny la pls. Had fun along the way with Dinny. Val just had to jack Dinny and went Dinny retaliate, Val crashed. LOL.

NEL-ed down to Hg to get my things and all came over to my place to do something. AWESOME. Laughters and more laughters filled the house and evrything was done nicely. (: Glad. Mum cooked Chilli crab but all had to leave. Take-aways for them den. =D Sent them to their bus stops and here I am.

Something Dinny said kinda woke me up a little but I had an explanation for all that. I'm glad I had. Just wanna end everything nicely to the best of my ability? Is it what I'm thinking? Is it what I really want? 17th's drawing near and I think everything wouldnt be as expected. But well, we shall see. Whether or not I'm moving on depends on that day. This is so much time I'm giving myself to decide. I'll be doing all I can. Cos this is the furthest and most I can go. Till then, I'll not think about it.

I'll pen down every single event that took place and the memories I'll be keeping with me. I'll pen them down and return them all to you. Just know that if I ever let go, it is not that I dont love you anymore, it will be bcos I love you too much to be holding on.

ALRIGHT, I'd better go do my part for commskills before Darl really decide to kill me. Ciao! (:

LABELS: Your presence just make everything of me not function.

2007-08-12T15:58:00.000+08:00

What a way to spend a Sunday afternoon ): bored bored bored. Woke up at 7+ am. DIARRHOEA. -_-" Wonder wads the cause. Sianed. Went in and out of the toilet 5 times. TMD. Wobbly legs and my butt hurts. HA. Val's at home rotting and Pris' out for Rush Hour 3 with fam. I wanna watch that too man. Boo. Reckon I'll fall asleep in another half and hour. I like the nua-ness at home without the boredom, that is.

Oh man, my tummy's acting up again. DAMN. I need the ------ NOW! haha. Shall be back to disturb Val after i'm done. LOL.

to be continued...

2007-08-12T14:29:00.000+08:00

Forlorn of all hope.

I would love to turn back time, and look at what I've done to make things end up like that. Mere paranoia? Or is it really happening. Thou I choose to believe the first, I can't help it if its the second. I'm prepared for everything. Whatever it is, I tried my best. If it persists, there's really nothing I can do 'cept being upset and feeling stupid. Everybody's leaving. If even my closest friends choose to forsake me... It isnt good to be overly-sensitive, but neither it is to be not. You might be missing out on the part that's gonna change ur life and even before you knew, it came slamming right on your face. Jaded.

__

Sweetheart and Darl's ill. Get well soon okay loves! I cherish y'all. That shows how much you guys mean to me. Of course, not forgetting Alvin. SexyClique (SparetyreClique, haha!) is very very much treasured by me. <3s!

i will not forget those times when you guys were there for me when i'm at my lowest. Countless consoles and encouragements I got from all of you. They may seem to be just words but they are the ones who got me this far. Still standing tall and strong. My pillar of strength I gotta say, so tell me, what do I do without you guys? What'll happen to me then? I cant make it on my own I'm pretty sure. Be it times where we pissed each other off or times we spent half the day laughing hard, so hard that we teared, I cherish them. I will not run away whenever I feel something's missing, but I thought it'd be good if i made myself scarce. Its alright, I will judge carefully from now on. Till then, GET WELL SOON! (:

LABELS: Just like how flowers wither without water, I will collapse without the sexys.

2007-08-10T20:14:00.000+08:00

When those tears start to fall.

I know when I see those tears, I'm at my limit. And again I know, after those tears, I'll be fine again. Tell me how dumb can this get.

Don't tell me how much I mean to you, maybe I dont even mean a thing. Dont tell me anything you dont mean. I'm just a friend that comes along with another. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is exactly how I'm feeling now. Fucked up.

-I'm no superwoman.

2007-08-10T19:44:00.000+08:00

Struggling hard, I'm feeling weak inside.

I miss you, so much. Why do I always end up here when I miss you so much yet can't find any ways to let you know. I feel so helpless, so useless. Just three words I couldnt send, just three words you wont understand. Sometimes I just wish I didnt live at all. Probably then, the world will be a better place. I just wanna be someone to you. Someone special or maybe different. I am different to you yes, in a way that's making me miserable. Everything of you just stays in my mind. They linger in there more then they should. I'm already screaming inside, I just hope that you can hear me. Hear me scream your name, hear me say "I need you". You took my breath away. Say you will and I'll never let you go. I'm waiting for that day when you'll be mine, I will cherish you, with all my heart. Do you understand the feeling I feel inside when I cant breathe at the thought of not able to be your love? You make me fall in love deeper each time you look into my eyes. The eyes that I tried so hard to avoid, the face I tried so hard not to steal a glance. I feel so weak whenever you caught my eye, that was when I wish I could tell the world you are mine.

I yearn for that day when I am the only one in your eyes. I dont mind waiting, I just want to keep believing that the day will come. Let me, will you?

__

How much I mean to all of you, I just wonder.

LABELS: My heart, you tore it apart.

2007-08-10T02:19:00.000+08:00

Cause trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

Countless attempts, failed.

LABELS: I don't wanna try anymore.

2007-08-08T23:28:00.000+08:00

I am never alone with you in my heart.

I saw the doubt in your eyes, asking me questions that I never seem to understand. Only then I understood, things may change but the heart will not. I wanted to mean everything to you, only to realise that I might have to start finding ways to get in there; your heart. Built with walls around it, I cant break through. Never once did I force my way in, despite. I took a step back, looking at this love I have for you, asking myself why. Your name was the answer I got. Its you I love, your everything. I smiled from deep within when you're around. Your presence alone makes my mind swirl, not knowing what I am doing, spinned and spinned in the love I have for you. Isolating myself away from the world outside, I just wanna be in a dimension filled with your aura. Though, words are only words, it is the only way I can show my love.

The place we went, the times we spent. Everything in my life reminds me of you. Even a walk home from the bus stop was made difficult. Slowed down my pace, allowing you to torture me slowly. Letting myself be reminded of the significant event which did not last long. Little by little, bit by bit, i'm starting to lose myself.

No rush, for I know I have a lifetime to wait.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gave RHT lab a miss, yes, again. Refuse to get up. Cabbed down to school with sweetheart. Met up with the rest and yadah yadah. I love today. Little wish of mine came true. My day was made and smiled thruout the day though it did not end as good. Not a moment of sian-ness I felt. Thank you sexy.c.(:

Driving practical at night's killing me. Its my 4th lesson already and I getting really stressed. Out on the public road next lesson. I knew I wouldnt perform well today and yeap, I was right. I trust my instincts.

National Day tmr. Shopping with sis at town. (:

` I don't mind if that moment is insignificant to you,
for one insignificant moment is better than a lifetime of not knowing you.

2007-08-08T00:31:00.000+08:00

now my Adaptor's gonna cost me 210 buckeroos. so cheap right? nncb.

SO MUCH FOR GETTING A SONY VAIO.

2007-08-07T22:18:00.000+08:00

The worthlessness I'm feeling.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive or just mere paranoia. Felt this unimportant-ness I've never felt before. Maybe I don't belong there? Perhaps. All I ask for is a nice and fulfilling every-day spent with my friends. Distanced.

Using my mum's lappy now. Thanks to my careless-ness, I left my laptop adapter in the tutorial room and I couldn't find it in the room this morning. Really sianed. To replace another I will have to take out US$89.99. I cant be bothered to convert this freaking amount. I hate being broke. Cannot do this cannot do that. OKAY, I am NOT complaining. I just don't like this feeling. So restricted. ): But I can survive. Sorry loves, you know I have my reasons.

I just want another adapter. Not used to this Acer com. ): Totally sianed today. InHT lec was sleepy, PoM wad turned off by the fact that I couldnt get my adapter back. Bad headache at town. Sigh. I need my happy pill. Are you my happy pill?

Commskills test tmr and I'm gonna sleep early today. Overslept today but wasnt that late for lec. Went for Pras' sake. -_- Alright, gotta study for tmr's test. Ciao!

AND SOMEONE'S BULLYING MY DAUGHTER MAKING GROUNDLESS ACCUSATIONS. HEY CHRIS, WANNA TALK? I THINK WE NEED TO.

LABELS: Watching you from afar, I've never felt so distant.

2007-08-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

Enough is enough.

Okay, that's it. Stop every shit thats going on and I'm adopting the Can't-be-bothered attitude. Whatever it is. The other person dont exist at all. Happy? I'm just making up stories to convince myself and others that I'd given up. It was all bullshit. I've had enough of these nonsense. I just want this whole shit to end. Nobody's gonna bring this issue up and nobody's questioning me. NOBODY. Shut up the fuck up and forget bout this.

Went school for commskills meeting which was apparently unproductive but well, we enjoyed ourselves I would say. Chasing arounds and bullying alvin. FUN. Down to SGH to visit Grandma. Save you the details. Down to Ikea with clique for dinner. Bought the necessaries, shopped till we heard the announcement and I still couldnt decide by then. Panicked and clique decided for me. ((: haha. I still think two bottles very funny. Shall try and see if all can fit into one. HOHO.

Presentation tmr and Val's place after school. Trying out... SECRET. hoho. The thought of tmr's presentation just spoil my entire mood., DAMN. I'm detesting formal wears.

Alright, shall end here. Have to do some reading for tmr's presentation. Crap.

LABELS: Random thought of you just bring a smile across my face.

2007-08-05T05:57:00.000+08:00

Put an end to those confusions.

I think I can put that down. Little hints here and there to everyone and I'm sure I'm getting all the cursings and swearings. I hinted alot. But I dont know if anyone of you caught them. I hope nobody did. You cannot blame me, there must be somewhere where I can leak out a little by little here and there. All you have to do is piece them up and then you'll get the whole story. But don't. don't try. Cos i know in the midst of attempting to see the whole picture, I will be bugged and questioned. So when I failed to give all of you the same story, i'll prolly get screwed. So leave me alone till I decide to let any of you know. You guys know me. I MUST tell someone. But I'm trying to keep it to myself before I mess things up further. (: You are near. So near, in fact. So close till I'm getting afraid. Afraid that I'll expose myself without knowing. The rest of you, for your won benefit, please do not assume. I know the person you will assume will NOT be the one. I'm pretty sure about this. So dont make your life and mine difficult. You have a choice, dont read my blog or read and forget it. All I can say is, everything is just as simple. Very simple. Dont read too much into it cos this whole thing can be summarized into one short sentence. How short? I dont know.

I don't want you to go. But I guess its only fair that i let you. Before things start to go haywire, I'd better put an end to it. My apologies for the past few events where I lost control. There might be more of those incidents happening but I promise I will try to contain my rashness.

I dont want to be look upon as just-playing sort. But I cannot avoid that if I continue doing what I'm doing. From tmr, I will stop. Though I'm really enjoying. By 17 Aug, I will know what I want and the step I'm gonna take next. I will be very sure of myself then.

Will you wait? Or maybe not, you shouldnt.

LABELS: Don't go. yet.

2007-08-05T02:52:00.000+08:00

Lyrics.

朋友总给我一堆理由
要我别再为你难过
他们只是不懂我
太多爱上你的理由

担心你脆弱

怕你受挫

忘了自己的痛

从很久以前到以后

都坚持爱你没错

其实看著你开心就能足够

只要你回头

你会发现我

不只是你的朋友

擦不掉痛却更明显

你说你要的世界

在很远我不了解

我像个残废

飞不出你的世界

借不到一点安慰

为什么你拼命后退

退到了边界结果我没了知觉

在爱里残废

非弄得伤痕累累

累到我无力再追

回到了原点

原点却又像终点

然后多痛一遍

坐在这角落

心里很多话想说

就是舍不得放手

深爱你的我

早就应该让你自由

知道我以后需要一直往前走

也许是越在乎越会彼此的伤害

这样的爱情又算是什么

爱不在应该让自己从回忆中离开

有时候对爱有太深太多依赖

好像你失去在这世界

还能够孤单的自由

2007-08-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

Dilemma.

You make me no longer know what I want. You messed up everything inside. I don't like it. I thought I knew, but now I don't. I want you so much, but I don't want you to go. Tell me I can have the best of both worlds, someone. I know its wrong, but it just feels so right. No strings attached? Sounds good? But that'll be too selfish of me to do that. how?

and you; i dont know bout you.

ALRIGHT, ANDREA AND VIVI's REALLY CRACKING ME UP.
JOIN THE Dirty Club (DC) and you'll know what I mean.

MEMBERSHIP REQUIREMENT: DIRTY MINDED. (Vivi)
CLUB MOTTO: For the Dirties, By the Dirties, From 2 dirties. (Adel)
CLUB MISSION STATEMENT: Join DC, we promise a different you. (Andrea)

Okay, let me tell you a simple history and establishment of this club.

It started off with just Vivienne (fuckavivi) and Andrea (fuckadreally) whom happened to talk to Adel (fuckadelly) online about ONE dirty issue which involves DC. (you-know-who). Our FnB lecturer. (: Fuckadelly was talking to fuckadreally about saturday's F&B lecture which she and fuckavivi did not attend. Talked and talked till we digress, too much in fact. To the extent where OMG, SHUDDAP, ROFL, LMAO... came out.

I know some catch no balls, so here's my 2nd mode of presentation.

adel. says:
dont forget a neck label
adel. says:
haa
andrea - layne staley; "He is a licensed drinker with the right to be drunk professionally." --> damn LOL. says:
Producer:
Wine Name:
Vintage
Appellation
adel. says:
hhahhhaahhaahahaha
andrea - layne staley; "He is a licensed drinker with the right to be drunk professionally." --> damn LOL. says:
LOL OMFG NECK LABEL
adel. says:
grape variety how ah
adel. says:
he has two grapes on him
adel. says:
hahahaahhahaa
adel. says:
think straight

adel. says:
you haven answer my qns
adel. says:
monday we check his grape variety ok
adel. says:
hahahhahaha
andrea - layne staley; "He is a licensed drinker with the right to be drunk professionally." --> damn LOL. says:
WAH LAU EH
andrea - layne staley; "He is a licensed drinker with the right to be drunk professionally." --> damn LOL. says:
DO YOU WANT TO CARBONIC MACERATE IT AS WELL?!
adel. says:
hahhaahhaa
adel. says:
introduce oxygen sounds good thou
adel. says:
ahahahhahahahaahaa

andrea - layne staley; "He is a licensed drinker with the right to be drunk professionally." --> damn LOL. says:
zomg zomg "my laptop is from hogwarts!"
adel. says:
hahahhaahahahahaah
andrea - layne staley; "He is a licensed drinker with the right to be drunk professionally." --> damn LOL. says:
WAH LAU HHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
adel. says:
they'll den become sparkling grapes
adel. says:
hahhahaahhahahahaa
andrea - layne staley; Join the Dirty Club today! says:
WAH FUCK OMG ADEL SHUDDUP!

andrea - layne staley; Join DC today! says:
DIRTY COCK
andrea - layne staley; Join DC today! says:
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCKANADAN SIAH
adel. says:
never bathe one
adel. says:
hahahahaha
adel. says:
the dick never bathe

andrea - layne staley; Join DC today! says:
SUCKING WILL SPOIL THE GRAPES LOR
adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
hahahhahhahhaa
adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
must leave the grape to rot

adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
eeeeeeeeeeeeee
adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
andrea so sick so gross worrrr
adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
adel scared
adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
hahahaaha
andrea - layne staley; Join DC today! says:
wha eh! you were the one lor!

Then along came VIVI...

adel. says:
i miss ur in2u
adel. says:
lolll
Viv (irrevocably over you.) IATA/Disconnect got *some* on Friday night. Secret <3>

Viv (irrevocably over you.) IATA/Disconnect got *some* on Friday night. Secret <3>adel. says:
HAHAHHAHA
Viv (irrevocably over you.) IATA/Disconnect got *some* on Friday night. Secret <3>adel. says:
THINK STRAIGHTTTT
Viv (irrevocably over you.) IATA/Disconnect got *some* on Friday night. Secret <3 andrea =" DIRTY">

Viv (irrevocably over you.) IATA/Disconnect got *some* on Friday night. Secret <3>

adel. says:
dirty cock????!!!!!
adel. says:
goodnessss

adel. says:
andrea will blow
adel. says:
hahahahaha
Viv (irrevocably over you.) IATA/Disconnect got *some* on Friday night. Secret <3>adel. says:
i mean introduce oxygen

Viv Be part of our Dirty Club (DC)! Membership requirements: A DIRTY MIND. Example: says:
NEVER WOR
Viv Be part of our Dirty Club (DC)! Membership requirements: A DIRTY MIND. Example: says:
DC MEMBERS USE VULGARITIES AS TERMS OF ENDERMEANT
Viv Be part of our Dirty Club (DC)! Membership requirements: A DIRTY MIND. Example: says:
LOL
Viv Be part of our Dirty Club (DC)! Membership requirements: A DIRTY MIND. Example: says:
*ENDEARMENT
adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
woah
adel. Join the Dirty Club. says:
den you must love me so much

____________________________________________________

Now you get what I mean? HAHA. Laughing to my lappy half the time la. ROFLLMAO. I think this is good when you need some cheering-ups. ((:

Presntation on monday. Formal wear = ): Hope DC doesnt go BLUEEEEEE.

I cannot not have you by my side yet I cannot explain why and how I want things to be then. Say I'm selfish. I AM. I too attached to you. Too emotionally attached, to a point where it confuses me. I needa sort out my thoughts.

17 Aug 2007; I will decide.

LABELS; is it you or is it you?

2007-08-02T02:37:00.000+08:00

Life's precious, so precious.

I love you, Granny. Please be strong, don't give up. We're all here for you. Please hang on. :'( Thinking of the past where grandma used to be so energetic. Cooking us our favourites, giving us 2bucks to get ice cream downstairs, constantly nagging at us every minute every sec, telling us we're incorrigible, but we all knew, she loved us alot. The times when I found difficulty to converse in hokkien, she taught me with patience and laughed at me when I pronounced some wrongly. Maybe its too late to tell her that I appreciate all that she'd done, but I really hope she knows. I dont wanna let her go. Say we're selfish. Grandpa made it clear to us that he'll do anything just to make grandma live. Anything. I hate to go to the hospital. It makes me wanna cry. I hate having to control my emotions. I dont want anybody to get affected by me. Thats why I choose to stay away from them. Sigh, I feel so helpless. I dont want anything to happen to her. All I could do was stand by her bed looking at her, not able to do anything.

Gave RHT lab a miss today. Came home only at 0930hrs and lesson's at 11am. Too tired to even bathe and I feel asleep on the sofa immediately. Was freaking tired. Went school at 12 plus. Econs lec and Commskills tutorial. Nothing significant.

Project work after not-so-quick bites. Had lotsa fun with my grp,Vivi's grp and Pearlyn's. Laughters laughters and more laughters. They make me happy. (((:

Met gigglers at sports complex with Alvin after proj meeting which is alrdy 9pm by then. Went lab to look for Gary with Chian tat and ended up writing didi's speech. LOL. Pk and Sep came next telling us that we're suppose to hurry Gary and not sit there with them helping them do their proj. HAHA. Did not have the heart to hurry them when I saw the word STRESS on their faces la. Helping them was the best thing to do then.

All went macs opp school for "dinner" Cabbed back with Val,Didi and Alvin. Something killed me. I just couldnt feel myself at that point of time. Felt so silly yet happy. I'mma screwed up kid la ok. LOL.

I'm happy with things this way. No awkwardness, no nothing. We actually talked when I tried and used all means to avoid having eye contacts let alone talk to him. CRASHED. I was gone the moment I look in to those eyes. Useless me I know. So? At least I enjoy being one. (:

Let things stay this way. Don't let anything change. If it must, make sure its for the better. You know I cannot take it anymore. You know you're my only weakness now.

I wanna study already. But before I can really focus, I must make sure that this issue is under control and nothing will change so as not to affect me like how it did for my mid sem. No more of those craps. I needa buck up.

ALRIGHT, projects kill and still are still killing me. No, i mean us. After this friday, everything's gonna be back to normal. Please tell me I'm right. InHT and Econs due this friday. Tell me how much have we done for econs? (:

Okay, its getting late and I should be sleeping. But no, I'm gonna wait for someone to be done. Or rather, I'm waiting for a "goodnight". from you.

you: I mean everything I do. I do like you, but I do not know how to put it across so that it wont be so... I really don't know. I cant seem to control myself though i tried. I really did. Maybe I'm just too emotionally attached to you. You cannot leave. Dont ask me why, just don't.

LABELS: 告诉你我不是一个会认输的人

2007-07-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

Killing me slowly.

Not a single word from you. Nothing. I thought this will be the best way out. For everything. Little did I know I'm just torturing myself. Why did I do this to myself? Now I know, Ihave to face the music and solve everything outright. I'm too used to running away and always expect people to give in to me and let things go my way. A year ago it was like this, now its again the same thing. But this time round I'm not sure if that someone will give in to me. But I'm quite sure that i no longer wanna run away. I hope I really mean it. Hopefully I'll be able to take it once I decide that we really need to talk. Anytime you want boy. At least I will not have any regrets.

All the used-tos. All the might-have-beens. The things and people I gave up for you. No regrets still. Even till this point. Silly as I may be, this is who I am. Sometimes I hate myself for being that way. But sometimes, I thought it is me that made everyone around me happy. But this time round. I became a burden and additional stress to you. Disappointed. Jaded. Exhausted. I feel so helpless now yet I dont want anybody's help. I wanna be on my own. But can I manage? Can I take everything? I feel so so weak. Maybe its better if i allow myself to be weak, maybe it'll be better if I allow myself to lean on someone.

Emptiness. Pure emptiness. This sucks. I wanna screeeeeeeeeaaaaaammmm. out loud.

I must say that night over at pk's place's really one word, AWESOME. Everyone was there for everyone and I felt the love everyone had for everyone. (: Tensions got high and volcanoes almost erupted, but still, somehow or another everything calmed itself down and laughters filled the living room. Jokes and more jokes,food and more food. I was the chef of the night. So proud to be one. I learnt not to laugh so hard. Tears fell off my cheeks unknowingly in the midst of me laughing so hard at nothing. Val was surprised at how easily tickled i was recently but got no answers from me. I knew the reason behind it but I chose to be ignorant. Bleeding and heavy downpour inside. The pain behind those smiles and laughters. I'm gonna get it over.

Talking to friends online definitely cheered me up alot. People like Val, Sep, Pris, DINNY MAN ( haha! ), Mins, Vivi.. etc. Thanks lot. I'll be strong. I know whatever happens, you guys will still be around. (:

You know all I need is a smile from you and I'll be good. But that's gonna be fatal.

LABELS: I love you, I really do.

2007-07-25T11:33:00.000+08:00

Can you hear me? i'm calling you.

Empty. Numb. Lost. I can't feel anything. I dont know what's on your mind. I dont know what you're thinking. Why are you doing all these? I wanna know. Everything you do affects me alot alot. I hate myself for letting you do this to me. I wish I could just lay dead on the ground, and pretend there's nothing outside for me to care. But I know I cant do that. I'm too cowardly to do that. Yes, laugh.

I was told to give you time and space. But you're contradicting it.
Tell me what do i do? When you know you're my weakest point.

I hope I wont see you today, yet my heart's calling your name. wtf. I'm screwed.

F.O all of you girls. Just FUCK OFF. Don't test our patience. I'm telling you this, we're capable of anything you girls can think of. We'll be nice if you are to us. Don't blame us if you choose to see the nasty side of us. that will not be very nice. Try us if you want. Just dont regret. We'll not retaliate openly. We'll do it slowly. Evil as it may seem to be, but you girls chose it. Don't blame us. Be wise, who doesnt want peace?

I am nice. But don't push me off my limits.

LABELS: How much further I can go. I dont know.

2007-07-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

I feel my heart bleeding. I don't wanna walk away.

Went TM after proj meeting. Val and I had the urge to pierce our ears. Got it straight and swift. Numb. I don't wanna resort to this. I was against piercings all along. Didnt want Val or Pris to get their piercings. Now I hope its because I feel that ear piercing's better den body piercing. I'll never wanna torture myself this way.

I feel so helpless.

You tore my heart into million pieces.
The sight of you murdered me. I smiled, I laughed, I pretended you were not there. I was tearing inside, I was struggling inside, I wanted to look at you so much.

Not even a glance. I didnt dare to look into those eyes, I didnt wanna go anywhere close to you. I didnt have a choice. I thought only this way that I can at least not feel so painful. But I was wrong. The moment you left, I crashed. I dropped dead. I hate myself for being so dependent, I hate myself for being so weak. Just before i could type this sentence, you started a conversation with me. I could feel myself falling flat on the ground. I wish I could tell you- boy, you're like the world to me.

The deafening silence's killing me. I'd rather be dead, dont torture me slowly. I don't know how much I can take anymore. I dont know how much more I can go. Bringing me up and let go from there is the last thing that'll make me feel better. I didnt know I could love someone so much. So much that I just wanna cry out loud.

Let me stay by your side, please.

LABELS: I hear myself calling your name.

2007-07-23T19:54:00.000+08:00

I've got my pride I will not cry. but its making me weak.

Strong as I may, you pulled down those walls I built. Torn inside, it will heal. But there'll always be a scar left behind. Reminding me of you. I fell in too deep. No regrets still.

I can be your superwoman, if only you let me.

I find myself looking at you though I know I shouldnt. The anger I felt when I thought you did all that on purpose. Things have changed, but you promised to find it back. I'll give you all the space and time you need, the only request that you'll let me wait. Tell me what to do when letting go hurts more then holding on?

What situation can be suckier then knowing that you did more harm than good to the one you love. being oh-so naive about every single thing. being ignorant about how he felt. Sorry, I wasnt understanding enough. I thought I could be there when you need help most. I thought I was there to ensure that you're in pink of health. I thought my love for you will make you a happier person. Only to know that I was wrong. You didnt need me. I was more of a hindrance than help. Pain. Heavy downpour inside. I wish I didnt have to live, at all.

Maybe someone can tell me what will hit me real hard, so hard, so painful that I'll just let go. My tolerance level's getting higher. I am like that, once I set myself on that some thing or on a particular person, I will not let go easily till i feel that I've tried my best and my best is never-ending.

I'm killing myself slowly.

If asked if I'm able to turn back time, will he still be the one I choose to love. Yes, he will be.

Just wanna fall into deep sleep and never wake up. Cos its only then I'll see you, its only then I'll be close to you.

LABELS: Give me back my fantasy.

2007-07-22T22:42:00.000+08:00

我放不下.

Retail therapy. Don't ask me what I bought.
Listening to all the songs in my phone. I realise none of them are happy ones. Does that explain my emo-ness? Ha. I am not emo-ing lor. I'm just deep in thoughts. (:

I guess I'm just feeling tired. Lack of sleep = Crankiness. I shall shut myself out from the world everyday after 12am. Projs and assignments doesnt allow me to do that. Maybe I should find alternatives. Not only I'll create unwanted trouble for myself I'll also cause misery to others. Again, dont ask me why.

I miss you.
Lost. Please help me find my way; to your heart.

No more long entries for the time being. I need sleeeeeeep. I need energy.

LABELS: 我也说过同样的话但总是放不下还要为他付出多少代价

2007-07-22T03:48:00.000+08:00

The promise; you made.

Terminal 3 trial today. Overslept and was late. Thank God we weren't the only ones. The new terminal was nice. Concept and structure totally different from the existing two. Walked around with the aching ankle of mine. I thought it was back to normal alr. It's still giving me those aching and dont-know-what feeling. Can't be bothered with it already.

Kboxed yesterday. Celebrated Michael's birthday. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! (: Gary and didi joined us at 8 plus 9pm. Rather emo I would say. Lets not talk about it. As usual, all cabbed home from cine. ha.

Do you know how I felt at that very moment? I almost gave in to... I don't know the reason behind everything you do. I wish I can read your mind, and then, you can hide nothing from me. The literal "ups&downs" you brought to my life, the smile you never fail to put on my face whenever you're around, the happiness you made me feel from time to time and even those tears you brought upon, the pain you inflicted on me; my dear boy, I took and will be willing to take them all. You are that significant, you mean that much to me. I knew at that moment, I cannot let you go. I need you, I really do.

My friends are equally important to me. I hope there'll be mutual respect for one another. We can all joke around and play, but please know your limits. Boy, you were too much. It went to an extent where even I was upset with you. I know you were just playing a fool but you didnt know how others felt. As much as I tried to side you, I can't bring myself to. The last thing I wanna see is my friends cant accept the one I love. Please don't let it happen.

I know its wrong, but why does it feels so right?

LABELS: Every moment spent with you, is the moment I treasure.

2007-07-18T00:27:00.000+08:00

Why do I feel so emotionally attached to you? Why am i feeling this way. I know I shouldnt but it just grew in me. Why is it that I'll be so affected when.. Okay, I shall stop this. I'm trying to detach myself from you. I will, I know I can.

For the first time, this is not for you.

2007-07-17T10:33:00.000+08:00

Why does it feels so.. painful.

I'm screwed up. Feelings and emotions all over the place. How do I piece them together? Maybe I'm just tired and that added on to my " no mood-ness" Maybe its the weather, maybe its the atmosphere, maybe its the lack of sleep, maybe its the people, maybe its you.

I look at you, I speak of you, I think of you, all the time.

I'm feeling weak. very weak.
I can rightfully say that this period of time is the worst I've ever been through. Jaded. I'm really drained. Projects, school, family. I never knew all these will affect me. I never knew all these will be a burden to me. You know all I need is you.

I love my girlfriends, I really do. Without them, I wouldnt have survived. They pulled me through, they gave me strength, they held me tight so I wouldnt fall. What more can I ask for? I thank God for the friendships he gave me. I will cherish my girls. -Pris and Val, my darl, my sweetheart.

Left speechless. But I'm gonna be strong. I pulled thru once, I can do the same this time.

Mins! My dearest sis, please cheer up alright? Everything will be fine. Trust me. Though I dont spend as much time with you anymore, I'm still around. yeah? I'm just a phonecall away. Love you lots. You know I do and I always will.

Dont make me cry.

LABELS: I will survive.

2007-07-17T00:29:00.000+08:00

爱上一个人,不管有多累,也很想看见他.

My day didnt start off well. Shall skip the details cos it aint nice at all. But its okay, its the past. The rest of the day sucks as well. Today's just a tired day. Its either me or the monday blues. I dont wanna judge.

Get well soon, love.

ai shang yi ge ren hui rang zi ji xiao shi

LABELS: Tomorrow will be a better day.

2007-07-15T23:38:00.000+08:00

You'll always have a place; in my heart.

Its good. Everything's open now and we're thrashing things out openly. There's nothing to hide anymore and I can let my feelings show. Having to hide is the most tiring thing to do you all gotta admit. I count my blessings. I am fortunate enough and I wont ask for anything more. All I can say is I know i made the right choice and I will not regret. Even if things turn bad in future, I will have no regrets still. Because at least I've loved before. (:

Thanks love, thanks for the promise. There's many things I wanna tell you but I dont know where to start. But sometimes things dont have to be clearly spelt out for you to understand. You know my love, thats good enough. <3

Just came back from Alvin's finals at SBC. Mitchell and QiangSen were there too. Was getting all excited yet pissed by the referees who were obviously biased against bigger people. -_- TP's bball captain was sitting right behind us and making lotsa noise that actually amused us to the max. LOL. One funny guy la. Alvin played well and was really proud of him man. Was a good game. Gotta do econs proj article and InHT research now. So guess I'll just stop here. (:

On a lighter note, I think Mitchell has this x-factor that I dont see in anyone else. Dont get the wrong idea yeah. I know you guys are capable of that. =/

It was never a wrong move; that I fell in love with you.

2007-07-13T18:31:00.000+08:00

Hold on to me tight, don't let me slip away.

I wasnt shaken, I swear I wasnt. But why does this feeling suc ks so much? As much as i tried to not think about us, someone just had to make me think again. It kinda refresh the whole situation in my mind and I'm forced to think abt it. Wanted to let things happen naturally and not being pressed. But now, why do I feel that I have to think about it? Thou the conclusion I drew was I love you. I just wanted to know, am I holding on to nothing. It is not about getting anything in return but about the "love" that I'm unwilling to let go.

Just came back from party world with sweetheart, darl, sis and co. I fell flat. And that sucked. Nothing much to blog already since my night was bad. Probably a few hours later I'll be fine. Many things going thru my mind now and I seriously doubt myself. I dont trust myself anymore. I hate being a Gemini.

period.

I miss you boy, I need you here.

2007-07-12T23:42:00.000+08:00

I'm back, is that true?

I felt myself coming back. The Adel that I thought no longer exist. I felt it, but sweetheart confirmed it. I am happy, I really am. I used to always get compliments for being that Adel. Slowly as school started, that side of me went away with time. The confidence I had went right down to zero and on top of that I had to build walls around me to defend myself from any harm. That was really tiring and definitely not the real me. After that collaspe I was dull and moody 24/7. The laughters I don't hear as often and the smile I felt on my face didnt frequent as much as it does in the past. But now, I'm starting to believe that I can find that real me soon. Thanks to my new found daughter, or I'll never dare to confirm that fact. (: Oh, did I mention that I decided to call Pris my darling instead of dearest? Cos Val and her are like my little daughters, sweetheart and darling are wad mommy call their daughters aint it? haha. I just love being able to take care of them and show concern. Cos they appreciate it. (:

That was a little random. heh. Anyway, I was saying, thinking of the past, I really miss them. I am a person full of laughters and smiles. I promise to get them back as soon as I can. I'm getting on track alr and I will not allow myself to fall anymore. I swear to bring that confidence I had in me back. And I'll show people who didnt know me that real Adel they've never seen before. Trust me, you guys will prefer that me. (:

I'm not pinning my hopes too high, I'm not letting myself fall hard. Bringing myself too high up will only bring greater pain when fall hard onto the ground. That feeling I never wanna feel anymore. I have to learn to love myself before telling anyone that I love you. We have all the time we need and nothing's pushing us. Wait till i find myself back and love myself all over again. Only then, I will stand tall and proud being able to love you with all my heart. And only then, i will have the courage to put your name up here for everyone to see. Till that day, you will stay in my heart, always.

I smiled whilst asleep ystd night and I felt it. Somehow, I wish, that feeling would stay for a longer time. It is only in my dreams, that I can be closer to you. And I cherish every moment we had together in private. Even for a few mins, I treasure them. Even if most of those times were smses, they mean as much. (: Just one look into your eyes, I melt. I am weak when you're around. I didnt wish I'm stronger. I am happy just like that. You're that important to me. (:

I dont miss you even when you're not around. Cos all I have to do is look into my heart; thats where you are.

LABELS: Till the day I find myself, I will keep you in the deepest part of my heart.

2007-07-11T11:29:00.000+08:00

Will you say that you love me.

What's new for every wednesday mornings? RHT lab. Doing everything online other den opening the SPSS program or listening to taxi driver uncle's tutorial. HUR. One glance across the lab, you can see everyone doing their own things. You get this privilege when you're sitting right behind the class. LOL. (:

RAIN RAIN RAIN. What a morning. Waether was fine till I receive a text from sweetheart saying that its raining at her side. Wanted to laugh at her but the next thing I know, BOOOOM. Heavy downpour. -_-

Met at Boon Keng. Was suppose to meet Dearest, Din and Sep at AMK macs. Too lazy to get up luh. but by the time I'm awake, I'm really hungry and had cravings for macs. Down to BK for macs and cabbed down for this do-nothing lab. (: Stomach's being a bitch now. As if I have a washing machine in my body spinning and spinning non-stop. GRRRRR.

Lets talk about YESTERDAY(:
Half the class were in sec school uniforms((: Had lotsa fun and laughed my heart out. S.C(girls) + Vivi= LAUGH OUT LOUD. Pinafore was really short and really wasnt comfy. Changed out of it after class. Slacked in the lib while waiting to meet the gigglers.

Gigglers (sides Nibbler) and some guy met up after class at Bizpark. Den off for soccer. As usual, the girls sat ard watching the guys play. But its not usual for Adel to be there on Tuesdays. Adel's there for 2 reasons. One, she didnt wanna disturb people. -grins Two, she wants to watch the boy play(: Second reason carries higher percentage. heh.

Gym after soccer. Miraculously joined them. I swear I wont be there the next time. My heart cannot take it man. Sucks like hell. Shall just give my moral support. (: Dinner after gym at the coffeeshop opp school.

Knocked-out the moment I reach home. Was really tired. Went online for awhile to do some research before I can really sleep peacefully. Talk about my weakness. I swear this is the first time I feel so weak. Weak as in, my weak point. Wanna get smth out of me? Say his name and that'll do the job. Easy? It came to a point where I just had to admit it. I'm fine with it thou.

Feeling so so tired now. Didnt wanna come lab but got dragged by Val.
DAMN, i'm thinking of my bed and blanket at home. ):

TODAY'S GIGGLERS DAY!! Nibbs coming TP for soccer game and we're all gonna have dinner tgt at TM. (: More and more gigglers. LOL. Watching them play soccer can be really entertaining. Most might see nothing interesting but Adel's enjoys herself. LOL. Tell me why.

Alright, I shall stop here. (:

Now my nights would end with just oen wish; that's you.

LABELS: I think about you all the time.

2007-07-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

You're my strongest weakness.

'm really happy today. like, happy? haha. Dont ask me why cos I'm alr floating high up there and I refuse to come down. (: One word, happy.

Everytime I do something I like, the next thing I know is, shit, thats it. No surprise. I'm weak when it comes to this particular issue involving a particular someone. I admit, I give in to my heart most of the time. No regrets. (: Its really putting my perseverance to a test. Come what may. I'll be all ready for anything to happen. Be it another heartbreak or another made day, I'll be glad to take them all.

Nothing much bout today but tmr's gon be a UNIFORM DAY for 1H03. Oh man, I miss my IJ uniform. SO MUCH. One fellow IJ girl in my class(: I'll wear it with SJC pullover. LOL. Abit paiseh to be in uniform luh. People will really think we're from sec sch pls. HAHA.

VIVI! you're wearing!!!!!! PLS PLS PLS. TKGS uniform nice lor. ((:

Shit man, I just busted myself on Val's tag. Now my life's at stake. -_- I feel so threatened. HAHA. Dearest will be in CEDAR uni. Sweetheart and and I in our IJ uniforms! :D

I'm done. gay.

yourpresencemakeseverythinginmylifesospecial.

LABELS: Your ability to control my everything.

2007-07-09T00:01:00.000+08:00

The one in my heart.

关于你的一切我都好好收藏着
我一直都在你身后等待
等你有一天能感觉到我
就算我在你世界
渺小像一颗尘埃
我也会给你我所有的光和热
我鼓起勇气呐喊
你要听得见

_____________________________

你出走我不问理由
等你再爱我
总有个角落会让你想起我
向右或向左
都有我站在这里守候
你留下很多
够我面对寂寞
寂寞不重
重是爱太多
当你回头看到的一定是我

I made a promise to myself last night, I'm gonna keep it if its wrong or right. Call me stupid, this is what I really want. And what I really love to do. Even if my love will not be reciprocated, I'm all willing. All willing to stay by your side. This is my love.

Period.

LABELS: You.

2007-07-08T19:46:00.000+08:00

That's When I Love You

When you have to look away

When you dont have much to say

That's when i love u

I love u just that way

To hear u stumble when u speak

Or see you walk with two left feet

That's when i love you I love u endlessly

And when you're mad cuz you lost a game

Forget im waitin in the rain

Baby i love you I love you anyway

So here's my promise made tonite

You can count on me for life

Cuz thats when i love you

When nothin u do could change my mind

The more i learn

The more i love

The more my heart cant get enough

That's when i love you

When i love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide ur eyes

Cuz the movie it made u cry

That's when i love u i love u a lil more each time

And when u cant quite match ur clothes

Or when u laugh at ur own jokes

That's when i love u

I love u more than you'll know

And when u forget that we had a date

Or that look that u get when u show up late

Baby i love u I love u anyway

So here's my promise made tonite

You can count on me for life

Cuz thats when i love u

When nothin u do can change my mind

The more i learn

the more i love

The more my heart cant get enough

Thats when i love u i love u no matter what

Thats when i love u

When nothin baby Nothin u do can change my mind

The more i learn The more i love

The more my heart cant get enough

Thats when i love u when i love u

No matter what

No matter what

_________________________________________________________

Just came home from a not-so-shopping-spree shopping. -_- Bought a stupid checkered top which I regret buying cos I realise I'll be broke for the rest of the week. ): Impulsiveness does no good. RAHH. But I like it luh. heh.

GAP GAP GAP, Dont let me step in anymore.

Anyway, Ajisen Ramen with sis and kev again. So nice ah. I dont like the food there. Oh, went school for VIBES competition yesterday. There for Didi and Frank. Frank's team won by the way. Didi's got hot ass alright. Somebod melted on the spot. HAHA. (: SOMEBODY LA. Dont ask so much. hahaha! Met Gary at TM for dinner. :D

Back to dearest's place after that. Was all ready to relax and sleep when I realised I have basic thoery lesson today. -_- Had to cab home luh. sian-ed.

That shld be all(:

Let me love you, is that okay?

LABELS: Love.

2007-07-06T19:53:00.000+08:00

You know I will, I will forgive.

"Listen"

Listen,

To the song here in my heart

A melody I've start

But can't complete

Listen,

to the sound from deep within

It's only beginning

To find release

Oh,the time has come

for my dreams to be heard

They will not be pushed aside and turned

Into your own

all cause you won't

Listen....

Listen,

I am alone at a crossroads

I'm not at home, in my own home

And I tried and tried

To say whats on my mind

You should have known

Oh,Now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what, you made of me

I followed the voice

you gave to me

But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened.

There is someone here inside

Someone I'd thought had died

So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out,

for my dreams to be heard

They will not be pushed aside or worse

Into your own

All cause you won't

Listen...

I don't know where I belong

But I'll be moving on

If you don't....If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...

To the song here in my heart

A melody I've start

But I will complete

Oh,Now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what, you made of me

I followed the voice, you think you gave to me

But now I gotta find, my own..my own...

____________________________________________________________

Speechless. But I'll be fine. Give me a night and I'll be good tmr.

It hurts, but so what. I swear the previous incident made me stronger.
I had him to thank.
The more feelings you put in, the harder it is for you to turn back. I gave my heart, tell me how to let it go. It really sucks having fun this second and things turn nasty the next. And when esp the words came out from the one you love, the impact and heartache doubled.

But guess what, pain was gone the moment a text came in. Am I useless or am i not. Tell me.
I can't feel anymore dumber. I dont even know who i am.

LABELS: All because I love you.

2007-07-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

不属于我, 我不会难过. 我知道有一样的天空.

ARGH. Hate being sick. 1, cannot wake up on time for school. 2, mood badly affected. 3, having to pretend I'm ok. 4, thinking every single sec if I should see the doc. -_-. sian-ed. I need sufficient sleep. i know that, but how to not come online? hur. I need distractions so I wont feel that terrible.

I'm practically stoning already.

Stuck at this page for almost 2 hrs and this is so much I've typed. Not functioning already. Maybe sleeping helps. I shall go and sleep. goodnight.
I've been waiting.

LABELS: **** ****, i heart

2007-07-05T00:28:00.000+08:00

Nothing but the truth, you speak.

I'm gonna believe this time and I seriously hope no more "truths" I'll get yeah? Its too much for me. You have to understand dear, its not easy to be in this position. Being told so many "truths" till you dont know which "truth" you'll get next. You can trust me with your little secrets and not being afraid it'll leak out. But when it comes to a point where you dont know if you're really being trusted, it sucks. I'm gonna take what you said as it is now and give no doubt. But I hope that as much as you're not sure of yourself and not ready to tell anyone, don't lie. Its kinda hurting in a way. I know you didnt mean to and I dont blame you. You have enough worries and I, as your friend, shldnt add on to them. I hope this is the final one I'm getting. Can you promise that? Dont give me your word if you think you cant keep them yeah? I dont mean anything here dear so dont read too much into it. (: Cos whatever it is, I'll still be around. It doesnt matter who the person is, what matters most to me is truth. And of course, our friendship. (:

Today's a happier day for me, though I'm really tired. Getting only 3 hrs of sleep and spending the whole day outside's really bad. The feeling of sleepiness sucks. I give ppl the sulked face and I define that as unpretty. So i'm gonna sleep early! LOL. I try. =x

Lectures and tutorials as usual. TIRED. Lecture was alright cos the guys were sitting in front of us. But mood went bad towards the end. tired. Dont have to talk abt tutorial cos i was totally shut off. LOL. Went to see the guys ( Gary, Joe, Michael, Din, Russell) play soccer. I just love watching the game la. hoho. Nibbler joined them later. Stayed till 7 plus and we ( sexys plus sep ) left for TM. Dearest had to change her top at G2.

Pizzahut after Gary, Din and Nibbler ( Chian Tat) joined us. Laughed really hard and I enjoyed myself. Almost got away with a wrong bill but they found out b4 we paid. HUR. Final bill was $107.34. We can really eat. HAHA. Had lotsa fun. (:

Back home. Talking online and I'm super entertained. Thanks to VIVI. LOL.
ADEL LOVES VIVI many many!

I know I shldnt. I know I shldnt be giving so much and being so nice. But what can I do when I just love doing all that? I love loving you. I know what I'm doing and I'm happy. So why should I care whether its right or wrong? Cos loving you alone makes me happy.

LABELS: No longer afraid, i mistook. (:

2007-07-04T04:09:00.000+08:00

JOKE OF THE NIGHT.

Made me laugh like crazy.

Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
adeline tan. says:
):
adeline tan. says:
):
adeline tan. says:
OKOK
adeline tan. says:
BYE
adeline tan. says:
BYE BYE
adeline tan. says:
BYE
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
hope u dream of , and later!
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
adeline tan. says:
BYE
adeline tan. says:
BYE
adeline tan. says:
BYE
adeline tan. says:
BYE
adeline tan. says:
BYE
adeline tan. says:
BEY
adeline tan. says:
BYE
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
CHEE
adeline tan. says:
BYE
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
HAHAHA!!
adeline tan. says:
OOI
adeline tan. says:
F Yhahhhaha
adeline tan. says:
stomach ache
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
hahahaha!
adeline tan. says:
ROLLING
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
BLOG NOW
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
HAHAHAA
adeline tan. says:
OK
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
LOL
Vivi Does Not Exist. (: says:
damn funny

TELL ME HOW TO NOT LAUGH.
TELL ME HOW CAN I SLEEP.

2007-07-04T03:23:00.000+08:00

I LOVE BEING GAY.

I'm really gay man. EH, please dont think anyhow. Don't be dumb. LOL. Whichever GAY you think I'm talking about la ok. HAHA. Cos i'm really gay. Dont know why at this kinda time man. MUST BE VIVI's FAULT. tsk.

GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
ilovegaysilovegaysilovegays.

Ok, not funny.

2007-07-04T02:49:00.000+08:00

Apparently VIVI forgot all about smth and I'm so upset. I am really angry, can you tell? HAHA. I cant sleep la. haha. So there, random.

Happy. I'm happy. (:

LABELS: late-night talks. :D

2007-07-03T22:05:00.000+08:00

每一个我都属于你

I'm being real cheena here. Don't any one of you laugh at me. I mean, I realise chinese words are more expressive. They give deeper meanings. You can replace those with English of course. Only chinese songs can really make people plunge into the emo mood. Trust me. Thou English ones can but they arent as effective. Not that emo-ing is good la. Aiyah, whatever. (:

Sweetheart PS-ed me early in the morning. She was tired, didnt wanna go for lecture. I was all ready to leave home alr la. LOL. End up taking my own sweet time to tie my hair. Plaited them up. Cabbed to school. Met Didi. Accompanied me to Cheers to get those panadols to save my life.

Went in LT just to see Gary sitting right in front. Middle section somemore. No choice, Didi and I went down. -_- Dearest came a little later. Late but earlier den usual. LOL! Gayboy was next. And up till now I still dont understand how can a person turn up for lecture without bringing notes and expecting an extra copy without informing anyone?!?!?!? Was really surprised and I really wonder what made them so sure that I have extra copy. -_- Shall not name them la huh. I'm nice(:

Rest of the day was fine. met sweetheart at Cheers while Gayboy and Dearest were eating at Bizpark.

Wanted to catch a movie but didnt favor any shows. = No movies.

I'm so tired that I fell asleep while surfing the net la. Shall save you the details thou Sweetheart knows. LOL. Alright. I'm done blogging.

A feeling that words can't describe.

LABELS: I'll let you see what I mean.

2007-07-01T21:24:00.000+08:00

Listen to me.

Went HG mall with mum and sis and guess who I met? Such coincidence and SUAYness to see her please. HAHA. OK la, I'm happy, damn happy to see her. LOL. Met Val there with her parents. hoho. She was at Gelare. -_-

Wanted to get black covered heels. But I dun like the ones at URS and BATA. hur. Cont' searching den.

Nth much to blog about. SCHOOL tmr! yay. -_- haha!

Another nice song. Chen Mo Wan Ju-Caoge.

变成了一个影
隐藏了自己
爱情困难呼吸
我是沉默玩具
执着对你无限情
模糊我自己
不愿深深把爱情
输了你的游戏
你要逃
对决拥抱
我看到

为什么爱上你的人是我
为什么一厢情愿的人会难过
为什么对你舍不的人是我
爱上你需要那真情意

说在而情意
寂寞点点不休息
而让甜蜜却也忘记
幸福不再美丽
可是我会在意
这种对你的深情
我不会怪自己
不愿意深深的情意
输了你的游戏
你要逃
对决了拥抱
我看到

为什么爱上你的人是我
为什么一厢情愿的人会难过
为什么对你舍不的人是我
爱上你需要那真情意
说在而情意

为什么对你舍不的人是我
还是你需要那真情意
这么爱你的人会难过
为什么对你舍不的人是我
还是你需要那真情意
说在而情意

LABELS: 爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢.

2007-07-01T17:21:00.000+08:00

Tell me and I'll be there. I'll be there waiting.

Slept my day through and that really made up for those late night stay-ups. ha. Wake up and sleep, wake up again and then back to sleep again. LOL. Sorry to those whom I replied nonsense to. I was in a semi-conscious mode. haha. But now i'm wide awake ok! Not typing rubbish.

Bought a new wallet from Ripcurl and more things from Candy Empire. ((: ystd I mean. Listening to this whole list of emo songs and I didnt get affected. And yes, its a good sign. I learnt to be optimistic and most importantly, dont read too much into a partiucular event. That makes me a happier girl. hoho.

Going out for Ramen with sis and mum later. Tell me bout eating. I've been eating pls. Dont know where those cravings came from. goodness. This is no good la. No more food alright! School tmr and commskills questionaire due. -_-" say goodbye to us.

Yawns. I'm feeling tired again. HAHA. Just hope I wont be wide awake later in the night when everyone's fast asleep. That'll be when my emotions start to act. Pretty weak at that particular time. So its better to be alseep. haha.

Shall cont' later. Gon bathe now. (:

Gary, 我爱你.

2007-06-30T02:15:00.000+08:00

In Love With You.

Just a gentle whisper,
Told me that you're gone.
Leaving only memories,
Where did we go wrong?
I couldn't find the words then,
So let me say them now.
I'm still in love with you.

Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you care
Tell me that you need me
And I'll be there
I'll be there waiting

I will always love you
I will always stay true
There's no one who loves you like i do

Come to me now
I will never leave you
I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad I will stand true
I'm in love with you

Now we're here together
Yesterday has passed
Life is just beginning
Close to you at last
And I promise to you,
I will always be there
I give my all to you

Living life without you
is more than i can bear
Hold me close forever

I'll be there

I'll be there for you
I will always love you
I will always stay true
There's no one who loves you like i do
This i promise
I will never leave you
I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad I will stand true
Hold me closer
Our love is forever
Holding us together
Nothing in this world can stop us now

Love has found
A way
I'm in love
Yes I'm in love
I'm so in love
With you

____________________________________________

It's freakin' 2 am now. Decided to blog cos of the song above. (: Nice song pls.
Gave 2 tutorials a miss. Was too tired and couldnt wake up at all. Yes, at all. LOL. Only turn up for the last tutorial. Which is APEL. haha. One hour only. For the sake of 1, our careperson Ms Quah. 2, our report. HAHA. had to hand up. If not you wun see me appearing at all. Val did the same. LOL. steady right?

Stayed up till 6am la pls. :S fell asleep unknowingly and couldnt wake up alr. haha.

Went shopping today. Bought 2 dress and a top from Zara, spag top from MNG and skirt from Forever 21. ((: HAPPY! Got sweetheart and dearest tops as well. HOHO. Retail therapy. :D Satisfied my cravings for famous amos cookies too. Tell me how to not be happy today? LOL. On top of all, youmademesmile.

Talking to sweetheart, vivi and you online now. Listening songs. NICE songs. haha. I'm smiling, I really am. heh.

SexyClique.
Random. Everythings gonna be good now. I hope. Really glad. (:

Alright, I'm done. hoho.

LABELS: My only wish.