`I hate you...and then I love you...it's just like I want to throw you off a cliff....then rush to the bottom to catch you.


sigh. i'm alright in sch i'm alright whenever i'm outside. why is it that whenever i'm alone, i start to cry.its so hard trying to forget you. we were once friends. crappy friends. now? drastic change. STRANGERS. wad a nice word to describe aye? Till now, its still a question mark. If things can go back to how we used to fool ard. i'll be happy. BUT. why? i know it aint easy. but why do we have to avoid? I didnt want to. But seeing u do tt makes me too, wanna run away. but i jus dont understand. wads the problem.

I just wanna see u smile to me again. I just wan want things to go back to how it used to be. is it very difficult? It pains my heart whenever i see u ard in sch. the pain hurts so much tt i jus wanna break down and cry. sigh.

Wads the use of saying so many things when u dun even understand a single sentence.WADS THE USE. I'm trying very hard to be happy again. I know i can. I noe i will. But in my heart, there's still you.


` It's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.

`From the beginning till the end. You're the one making decisions.
`I dont have a choice. Do i?


Hmmm. Something urged me to blog. But seriously i got nth to say. well well. I'M BROKE. Damn. shouldnt have spent so much. Darn sale. ahhhhhh! I'M SO BROKE. NVM! term's starting soon. no need go shopping already. =)) I CANT WAIT TILL SCH REOPEN!! i miss REBECCA, REGINA, FIDES, HUI LING, PEILING and NICOLE. sigh. i miss them alot. =((

Despite, at the same time dread sch. sigh. why? cos of the big mouths. i know i shldnt care. but tell me. who in this world will not be affected? there's so many ppl out there who will. just that i'm the first to admit. anyway, i shld be prepared for all this shit when i made up my mind. alright. MY FAULT, again.

I really dont know who can i confide in. I dont want my friends to suffer. They'll get real bored when i say the same issue over and over again. sigh. they'll get sick and tired eventually. i dont want to torture their ears and them.

I dont wanna blog abt it too. its so... alright. nth. This blog aint personal blog anymore la. I dont have the sense of privacy here. well. its like tt right? =)



TODAY
Saw SO many ppl when i accompanied my mum and sis to hougang mall. shrugs-
I'M LOOKING FOR THE SONG " HAVE YOU EVER" by BRANDY. anyone has it? gawd. been look for it for so long. asked everyone i knew. nobody has it. WHY?

Well, nth's fair in this world.
`Some can be with the person the love while some cant.

There's a saying," Loving a person doesnt mean you have to be with her. " okaye. I beg to differ. RIGHT. HOLD THAT THOUGHT OF URS NOW. I dont mean anything alright? just that dont really agree. ask urself this, do you really think that way? Do you think you have the courage to let her go and let her be with another? If you can, good for you. I CANT. BUT I HAVE TO. I'M SUPPOSE TO. am i right? -i'm asking myself-

I DONT LIKE THE FEELING OF HAVING A QUESTION MARK INSIDE ME. All the "WHYs, HOWs, WHATs".sigh. I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY! I told myself not to bother anymore. I told myself u'll not be mine. YES. I DID IT. I UNDERSTOOD. I TRIED. I SUCCEEDED. BUT WHY?! WHY DONT U WANNA TELL ME THE REASON BEHIND ALL THAT?! ALL THE SHIT U GAVE. WHY MUST YOU CHOOSE TO RUN AWAY AND AVOID?! WHY CANT YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES AND TELL ME YOUR REASON? I DONT UNDERSTAND. I JUST DONT.

sigh. enough of tt. Dont feel so lost alright? i just wanna get it off my chest. DONT ASK ME ANYTHING. I'm tired of answering. I'm tired of explaining. I'm tired of all those words. ENOUGH.

`Well, i like this song very much.
`Heart's still not back yet.



Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes

Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me.



`Doyouknowiloveyoustill?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO! (KWAI)


Happy birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you, bro,
Happy birthday to you!!


HAHAHA. Thats for you bro!
honoured??!!
So many first times for me okaye.
eg: Baking,Making breakfast...etc.
YOU OUGHT TO BE HONOURED K!
Its so tiring!
BUT, i enjoyed the process.
And Sentosa.
THANKS FOR TRICKING ME!
thou i lied first.
Wasnt in the mood actually.
but after a while. wells. haha

MinMin, Kwai, Yueying and i stayed over at Karin's
OH MAN. hilarious.
Chaotic at midnight i would sae.
KWAI'S THE DIRTIEST.!
cream all over bedsheets, mattress, walls etc.
Karin had to clean up the whole place.
Poor thing.
Yueying and i didnt slp at all.
we had to prepare food for the outing.
plus breakast.
started preparing at 5.
TIRING!
hahaha. its really an experience.
THANKS Yueying for helping.
Thou she..... ahem.
I promised not to say!
hahaha.
But i wouldnt be able to manage w/o her. =)

Anyway, On 18th June,
Adeline Lau, Amanda Lau, Atiqa, Jolene and Cherly(guides) joined us.
Anna Dong suppose to come.
but she went home late the day b4.
so ya.

WE HAD FUN.
thou later of the day was screwed.
i shldnt have left.
i shld have stayed and not care.
arghhh.
=(

alrights. tts all for now.


BRO! Hope you like the gift min minand i gave=)
Thou it doesnt taste good. =p
its my first time okaye!
forgive me. lol

Passing out parade trng on the 21st and 22nd.
-pouts-
passing out alrdy.
farewell.



till then.

`I dont know wads happening.
`All i know, i'm bleeding inside.
`I'm trying so hard to let you go.
`I'm really trying.
`But everytime i close my eyes, its u i see.
`It hurts so much.
`Its only thru dream that i can see you.
`Its only thru dreams that i can pretend nth happened.
`someone save me pls.
`When i wake up with eyes full of tears,
`baby i know, you're all i yearn
`I've never felt this way before.
`I've never felt so helpless.
`All because I love you.
`and i really do.
`alot alot alot.
`still, the one u need, is her.
`But, dearest, i promise you this.
; I love you as much as you love her.
`Only you know how much u love her.
`I'm trying my best my very best to let you go.
`I wanna move on.
`I dont know why.
`I cant.
`I just cant.
`Dearest, you hurt me through and through.

`So many times you broke my heart.
`I never once blamed you.
`I forgave you.
`Bcos, i loved you.
`and i still do.
`But you gave her your everything.
`you gave her your heart and soul.
`and left me with nth.
`Many times i gave in.
`I put down my pride.
`I hide my ego
`Just for you alone.
`I gave you everything i had.
`I gave you my heart.
`Still, baby, she's the one u love so much.
`I want to accept this fact.
`but my heart refuse.
`I know, with her by ur side, nth else mattered
`But i'll be there whenever you need me.
`I'm always here.
`Whatever that'll happen in the future,
`just remember,
`You're always in my heart.
`I may not be the girl for you.
`But u're the only one for me.
`Your heart may be with her,
`as long as i know my heart's with you,
`I dont mind.
`you dont have to reciprocate
`I'll stand aside watching you from afar.


-All the smile you put on my face,
-will never fade away.
-cos u're the one.
-u're the one my soul longs for.
-I never once regret choosing you.
-The feeling you gave me is just too.
-too special, so profound.
-I can resist all temptations,
-but baby, i dont know why,
-I cant resist you.


*this is how i feel.
*I know i know.
*I have to let her go.
*I KNOW.
*But it aint within my control.
*let me be.
*leave me alone.
*let me face all this by myself.
*I know what i'm doing.
*please.


I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded
By the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
But no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto
A time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

`No one understands. I have to let go. i HAVE to.
`It hurts me inside.
`So much.
`So much that tears refuse to fall.
`So much that I just feel ridiculous.
`I know, No matter how i feel, I still have to let go.

-I was really fuming when i knew you lied.
-I trusted you so much.
-But u had me fooled.
-It wasnt ur fault.
-It wasnt her fault.
-It IS my fault.
-I trusted you.
-I chose to.
-I cant blame you for caring so much for her feelings.
-But dearest, in the expense of my heart?
-I thought i finally found the special someone.
`you
-Only to realise the next minute, I have to let go.
-I felt so dumb at that point of time.
-Sat alone in the park.
-Cried.
-Kept askin myself WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.
-I asked you umpteen times.
-ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
-Do anything but lie. to me.
-You gave me ur word.
-Despite all the contradictions.
-I CHOSE TO TRUST YOU ALONE.
-You let me down.
-You lied, to me.
-I broke down.
-I felt stupid.
-That was the last thing i want to happen.
-The words you saed b4 all these were hurting enough.
-You added fuel to the fire.
-You got my life turned upside down.
-The world seemed crashing down on me.
-My mind ; BLANK
-I cried out loud.
-No one answered.
-Still i know, I have to let you go.
-You're heart's not here.
-You gave ur everything to her.
-Leaving nth for anybody else.
-She's my friend.
-You made me feel sucha bitch.
-You made me feel lousy.
-I felt lousy, for the first time.
-STILL, again, thou I wanna scream out loud,
-Thou i really feel like giving you a tight slap,
-My heart doesnt feel the same way.
-I dont know.
-I just cannot do it.
-All i know, I so loved you.

Sorry to those whom i've snapped. I'm really sry. esp to Jac and Kwai. I AM REALLY SORRY.
Thanks min min for being there at my lowest. =)


` I'm drained. I'm exhausted.


-

I still miss you...
But not like I did before.
The intense aching I felt,
Isn't there anymore
.
I still whisper your name...
Not as often as I used to.
Now it may be once,
Before the day is through.

I still hear your voice...
Replaying, in my mind.
But it's fading now,
Soon, silence I will find.

I still long for you...
To feel your touch.
But, it's not like before,
I don't dream it as much.

I still think about you...
And wonder how you are.
But my feelings have changed,
And they don't go as far.

I still feel you sometimes...
Maybe you're stuck in me?
Or maybe it's just a little memory,
Of how it used to be.

I still love you...
But it's just not as strong.
Because I'm letting you go now,
So we can both move on.

I still hope to hear you say...
No one will love me like you do.
That's so impossible now,
After the hurt you put me through.

You still have a piece of my heart...
Because I always felt you here.
Now, I'm hoping and praying,
That, that too, will quickly disappear.

This will be my last goodbye...
I've nothing else to say.
Everything I felt for you,
Can now just fade away...

` jus feel like writing smth. so troubled.



Sometimes i feel i'll go crazy
from wanting you so much,
I cant explain in words
of how i long to feel your touch.

There is no way i can convey,
when everybody ask me why
making a decision that'll tear me apart
as time goes swiftly by.

If i could merely hold you near,
for just a little while
if i could simply have you by my side
or only see you smile.

I want to have you look into my eyes
and want to hear you say
something that would help take all the pain away.

If i have to wait forever,
guess that's what i'll do,
to me its really worth it,
to finally be with you..



PS: jus keep ur comments to urself if u think all this is rubbish la okaye?
at least this is how i feel and yes, This is my blog.


`You taught me things i never knew.

`Destiny is not a chance, it is a matter of choice.
`It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.."


I'm not sad. Nth will change. thats wad --- assured me. =) yupp. unless she doesnt want her chocolates!! hahaha!

I'm waiting. till the day she loves --- with all her heart.
now, everything's fair. i can fight for myself. I dun hafta feel bad anymore.
i repeat, This is a fair competition.

I've never felt like this before. i'm gonna treasure it.
I'm ready to put in my 100%... I'd do anything to be with you. even doing things i never knew I wld.



`i wrote this. this is how i feel.


I know its not easy for you and me
I know it's hard to see what we will be
But if you believe in me and i in you
then i believe the distance we will see through.
I promise to love you with all my heart
even though we know we're so far apart.
All that i have i'll give to you
nothing can stop me from loving you.
In your arms is where i want to be
everyday your face is what i wanna see
I want you to love me and never let go
You need to know i love you so.
I love you more than i love myself
its you i want and no one else.
If wishing on a star would bring me to you
then that is exactly what i'd do.
I've never wanted anything so bad
and that is why my hearts so sad.
When i think of you my heart aches
I want to be with you...
What ever it takes.




PS: i've never felt so sure b4. i'm serious abt you.
i know what i'm doing, i know what i want.

`taken from my brother's blog. its his work. and i thought its really nice.


it came without warning. like a ship caught unaware, i never knew what i was getting into until the first lightning struck. the storm came fast and furious and its raging lik never before. the battering and hounding never ceased to capture me. when the situation became clear, the waves were engulfing me from all direction. before long, i realised i'm sinking into the deep end. im in "love"



PS: told you its nice. ain't it?

`Maybe its just a big mistake.

Jac, u're right. maybe i really shldnt go in between. i knew it. i knew i shldnt. But things aint within my control. if they are, i will choose not to. really.
and never regret over the things u did. its okaye. we cant turn back time. All that had happened showed smth, we're just not meant to be. yeah? You wont do wad-you-did-in-camp if i'm the one. u get what i'm trying to sae? I know u will bombard me with lotsa questions after reading this. talking abt questions. u drove me crazy. smths i dont know how to explain, you asked. i dont noe how to answer. cos its really obvious. if u still dont get it. den let's just forget it alright? Let bygones be bygones.



you: you prolly wont get to read this. but i wanna tell you that i seriously dun mean to. I need no reason to love you. All i want is you to be happy. i wun go in between the both of you and make things difficult.i noe, i will regret not letting you know.But i'd rather regret den break the both of you up. thats the last thing i will wanna do..

believe it or not ppl, i dont mean to...



Things are getting outta hand. i'm at a lost of wad to do. will you lend a helping hand?

`back.

back frm M'sia. i enjoyed it. and i mean it. BUT, my hp bill's gonna EXPLODE. haha. but who cares?

I tried to relax. i tried to be happy. somehow. there's just something that'll make the unhappiness come back agn.

Maybe i shld find the answer to my BIG question mark. everything's so superficial. it aint real. if it is. i cant feel it. nth's special abt it and ur existence made no difference in my life. This shouldnt be happening. its scary. I'm not assured, i'm afraid, everything MUST end. I want to get rid of the question mark that never fails to appear in my head everytime i close my eyes. everything's hanging in the air. did you even realise? i doubt. there's too many "maybes" and "i thinks". i dont want them.


-lost- are you? dont be. cos this is a problem that everyone will able to understand. it aint as complex as you think. just make it simple. u'll get the answer.



anyway. the night b4 i went to M'sia. met kwai at cp. met her at 9 plus i think. ard there. talked. well. thanks Kwai, i needed that. Chinese Os made me felt so lousy and useless. I dont know. whenever somebody brings up this subject. tears will just fall. it really hurts. No one understands. ANYWAY, went home ard 12am. cabbed home with kwai. AND. she left me all alone with the stupid cheeko driver cann. yucks. shan't describe in detail. horrible is the word.
just wanna be outside. wanna be away. THNKs kwai. i needed company. sure it's made my foul mood happy once again. thanks lot. but there's many things you and i cant explain. too many things that we dont and will not understand. well, its so miserable to live every other day knowing that u're actually feelin' so empty inside. its as good as a walking corpse.


i so love MINS MINS, KWAI, GLYNIS, ANNE, MAYLENE and friends who kept me company after Chinese Os. THANK YOU guys SO MUCH. and the two dumbs who brought a smile to my face. its Kendra and Jac. W/o u guys my life'll be so dull. =)







`A relationship will not end just because of lil tiff.